Fear

I used to let fear stop me from doing things. I used to be so much more shy than I am now, and when things scared me my automatic mode was to cry and panic and avoid to get out of things that terrified me. This started to change for me in college and after. Instead of letting fear stop me, I started to do things in spite of the fear. And the rewards have been huge.

I was scared to go present my research in Chicago. I went, I did well, and I found a new place I wanted to live. I was scared to apply to work at Philmont and do some things I had never done before. I had the most magical summer of my life. I was petrified to move my life to Chicago and start grad school. Look how that turned out. Throughout grad school I was constantly required to do things outside of my general comfort zone to learn the skills I would need to do my job. Each time I was frightened, but every time I did one of these skills, I was less scared the next time. During this career, I am constantly challenged to stand up and become more of a leader and trust my training. It is a little scary every time. I was frightened to travel to Amsterdam by myself for my first solo trip. I have never felt so alive.  I was more scared of moving to Colorado than I have been of anything. That must mean it was the right choice. My job here. Playing volleyball here. Meeting new people and trying to make more friends. It's SCARY. I feel my heart in my throat and my stomach churning some of the time because I am so scared. I sometimes just want to go back to where the job was easier, my routine was set, volleyball was comfortable, and everything was predictable. It would definitely be easier. But I wouldn't be growing.

I can do this. I am doing this.

No regrets

Sometimes I still feel like I'm here on a long vacation. I go on hikes and see amazing things and it's hard to realize I actually live here. I got my Colorado license and registration here this weekend. I am here now. It feels like I have been here forever and it's only been almost three months. It's like I stuck a volume of my life on a shelf and started to write a new one. The girl I became in Kansas City and Chicago is part of who I am now and always will be. And in five years, the girl I will become here will be someone new again.

I can so clearly picture my life and my home back in Chicago. I know exactly what I would be doing each and every day if I had never left. Familiarity is a comfort. But without growing and changing we can't be open to the new and possibly spectacular. There's a reason I am here now.

I still remember my very first hike in the mountains here. I was completely blown away. Something changed in me that day and that trip back when I was 17. I realized that the world is huge and amazing and full of possibilities. That's why I was open to moving to Chicago after I visited there and fell in love. That's why travel and adventure are the most important things to me in my life. Transition between who we are and who we are becoming is such an interesting process. I just want to keep living my life so that I can look back one day without any regrets.

Searching for my roots

I went to a chakra workshop today at a yoga studio. The chakras are energy centers in the body. The idea is an eastern idea that is linked to Jung's theories in the west as well. The idea is that these energy centers need to be balanced for us to be our truest selves. There are 7 chakras traditionally going from the root to the crown of the head.

The root chakra is definitely where I feel most out of balance at the moment. The root chakra is at he base of the spine and is our survival instinct. The idea is that we have to be secure in our roots in order to feel balanced. The teacher leading the workshop asked the question, "What is keeping me from being here and now?" I immediately connected with this question and had the answer come to me: I am having a hard time letting go of where I came from. I became who I am there, and I am struggling to move forward. Without roots we can't move forward and harness our power. For those familiar with Maslow, this relates really well to his hierarchy of needs. If we don't have the basics met, we have a hard time moving forward.

One area I feel strong in is the third chakra, manipura, which is our gut instinct and the source of transformation and liberation from fixed patterns. I have been able to take a leap and change my life several times in my life. One cool thing about the chakras is that one area isn't "better" than the others. We can feel set in some areas and unbalanced in others, and it can change based on what is happening in our lives at the moment.

This workshop was good for me spiritually. I love quieting the mind and getting a better understanding of myself. I also think it's kind of awesome how these ancient Eastern philosophies have been linked to modern psychology.

I finished the day with a short but gorgeous hike. Fall is freaking gorgeous here.