5 months

When you live far away from friends and family, you will probably always feel at least a little guilty for not being around more, or for not visiting longer, or for wanting to have gone out and started a new life somewhere else in the first place. Even though I know I have needed to do these things, it doesn't stop me from feeling a lot of complicated feelings about them. I have felt like I have abandoned people. I have felt as if I simultaneously will never stop belonging somewhere and also somehow don't belong there anymore at all. I have convinced myself that people will stop liking me because I'm not around all the time anymore and I left them. Crazy stuff. All of this can swirl around in your head leaving you confused and sometimes very upset. 

I feel better about my decision to move to Colorado as more time goes by. Pieces of my life that I didn't have in place before are falling into place, while other pieces I had in Chicago are still missing. I know I'll find them. It's just going to take more searching. 

Family and friends, please know that I love you more than words can ever express. I just had to follow my own path. I can't stand the idea of a life that has any "what ifs."

Fear

I used to let fear stop me from doing things. I used to be so much more shy than I am now, and when things scared me my automatic mode was to cry and panic and avoid to get out of things that terrified me. This started to change for me in college and after. Instead of letting fear stop me, I started to do things in spite of the fear. And the rewards have been huge.

I was scared to go present my research in Chicago. I went, I did well, and I found a new place I wanted to live. I was scared to apply to work at Philmont and do some things I had never done before. I had the most magical summer of my life. I was petrified to move my life to Chicago and start grad school. Look how that turned out. Throughout grad school I was constantly required to do things outside of my general comfort zone to learn the skills I would need to do my job. Each time I was frightened, but every time I did one of these skills, I was less scared the next time. During this career, I am constantly challenged to stand up and become more of a leader and trust my training. It is a little scary every time. I was frightened to travel to Amsterdam by myself for my first solo trip. I have never felt so alive.  I was more scared of moving to Colorado than I have been of anything. That must mean it was the right choice. My job here. Playing volleyball here. Meeting new people and trying to make more friends. It's SCARY. I feel my heart in my throat and my stomach churning some of the time because I am so scared. I sometimes just want to go back to where the job was easier, my routine was set, volleyball was comfortable, and everything was predictable. It would definitely be easier. But I wouldn't be growing.

I can do this. I am doing this.

No regrets

Sometimes I still feel like I'm here on a long vacation. I go on hikes and see amazing things and it's hard to realize I actually live here. I got my Colorado license and registration here this weekend. I am here now. It feels like I have been here forever and it's only been almost three months. It's like I stuck a volume of my life on a shelf and started to write a new one. The girl I became in Kansas City and Chicago is part of who I am now and always will be. And in five years, the girl I will become here will be someone new again.

I can so clearly picture my life and my home back in Chicago. I know exactly what I would be doing each and every day if I had never left. Familiarity is a comfort. But without growing and changing we can't be open to the new and possibly spectacular. There's a reason I am here now.

I still remember my very first hike in the mountains here. I was completely blown away. Something changed in me that day and that trip back when I was 17. I realized that the world is huge and amazing and full of possibilities. That's why I was open to moving to Chicago after I visited there and fell in love. That's why travel and adventure are the most important things to me in my life. Transition between who we are and who we are becoming is such an interesting process. I just want to keep living my life so that I can look back one day without any regrets.

Searching for my roots

I went to a chakra workshop today at a yoga studio. The chakras are energy centers in the body. The idea is an eastern idea that is linked to Jung's theories in the west as well. The idea is that these energy centers need to be balanced for us to be our truest selves. There are 7 chakras traditionally going from the root to the crown of the head.

The root chakra is definitely where I feel most out of balance at the moment. The root chakra is at he base of the spine and is our survival instinct. The idea is that we have to be secure in our roots in order to feel balanced. The teacher leading the workshop asked the question, "What is keeping me from being here and now?" I immediately connected with this question and had the answer come to me: I am having a hard time letting go of where I came from. I became who I am there, and I am struggling to move forward. Without roots we can't move forward and harness our power. For those familiar with Maslow, this relates really well to his hierarchy of needs. If we don't have the basics met, we have a hard time moving forward.

One area I feel strong in is the third chakra, manipura, which is our gut instinct and the source of transformation and liberation from fixed patterns. I have been able to take a leap and change my life several times in my life. One cool thing about the chakras is that one area isn't "better" than the others. We can feel set in some areas and unbalanced in others, and it can change based on what is happening in our lives at the moment.

This workshop was good for me spiritually. I love quieting the mind and getting a better understanding of myself. I also think it's kind of awesome how these ancient Eastern philosophies have been linked to modern psychology.

I finished the day with a short but gorgeous hike. Fall is freaking gorgeous here.

2 months

"...the truth is, even when we make self-honoring choices: like leaving jobs, relationships, churches, or even shifting how we show up in our lives, grief will come.

This does not mean you have made the wrong choice.

This does not mean you are weak or that you can’t trust yourself.

It means you are human.

It means you will need to make the choice of integrity even though it brings up discomfort, it means you’ll have to be honest, it means you will have access to and allow ALL emotions and move through them with acceptance.

Because Coming Alive is about being fully human.

And being human means getting messy, being awkward, admitting self-honoring choices might cost you your comfort for a time, and that grief, joy, light, dark, and contrast are all a part of it."

This article from Madison Hedlund really resonates with me. Moving to Colorado has not been easy for me. It started as soon as I accepted the job. I had doubts. I had fears. I had multiple bouts of crying and straight up panic. Thoughts I would have would be, "What sane person leaves a place they truly love and feel they belong for just a possibility?" I think I thought that this would be easy for me to do again because I had already done it once before. But this is a completely different situation at a completely different time in my life. It only makes sense it feels different too.

I have had incredible moments here. Moments when I stare at the mountains and can't believe how stupid beautiful they are.  Moments at my new job that make me remember why I wanted to go into this field in the first place.

These moments have been mixed with moments of sadness and feelings of loss, moments comparing things here to things there, and moments of extreme anxiety and pressure at work. I feel like it's been a roller coaster of feelings. And I was embarrassed to admit that this hasn't been easy, and that it has been hard for me. But that's reality. No matter what I gain here, I have still experienced a loss, and it's still appropriate to have moments of grief. I have to give myself time. In the meantime, I'll stare at the mountains.

The first two weeks

What's it like to move across the country by yourself for the second time? Let me try and put it into words. It's exhausting. It's exhilarating. Everything is new. The fact that everything is new is great and terrible. It's hopeful. It's sad. In the past two weeks, I have been feeling up and down an∂ uppppp uppp upp and then down down down.

I'm trying to find a new yoga studio, which has been a struggle. I'm working to find a volleyball league. I'd love to keep up dancing. I'm trying to make friends. I've unpacked and bought furniture and scrambled to pay all the bills.

I'm starting a new job that I am so incredible excited about. I am psyched and terrified. I want to do well so badly. I want to help kids and teachers and parents and am working to be confident that I  can do this.

It's overwhelming.

I have done some exploring and some hiking which gives me life.

I'm trying to remake parts of my life that I had let fall into sloppy or angry patterns. I'm trying to eat healthier. I'm trying to keep my apartment cleaner (*at least the kitchen!). I'm working on being a more calm driver.

So it's only natural that I'm going to have conflicting feelings. I know it's right that I'm here, and I'm excited for the possibilities, but I'm also sad and will feel a little left out by not being in Chicago anymore.

Staying in Chicago would have been the easy choice. But easy choices don't help you grow. So I'm ready for this roller coaster ride.

Friends

I know I've told a lot of people this, but in case you didn't know, I had the chance to move to Colorado four years ago. I was offered an internship in Grand Junction, Colorado an hour or two before I was offered an internship in Skokie. I ended up choosing to stay in Chicago because it just felt right. And if I hadn't done that, a lot of other things wouldn't have happened. Most importantly, I wouldn't have had the time to form deeper friendships with some of the people who I now know will be my friends for life. I have a good number of people who I know would be there for me no questions asked. That's incredible. There aren't words to express how much your friendship means to me. I hope you know. But just in case, here it is in blog form.

Thank you for helping me feel free to become my truest self and change and grow in so many ways. Thank you for accepting me at my best and at my worst, for being there for me to celebrate things and to be there for me when things weren't going well at all. Thank you for the friends' dinners, endless conversations, laughing fits, volleyball for hours on end, fireworks watching, baseball games, sushi and dancing nights, cookouts, and holidays. Thank you for being my family and home away from home.

I'm moving away to see what else is out there, to try to grow even more, to experience new things and meet new people, to challenge myself professionally, to climb some mountains, and to have no regrets. What if I had been too scared to leave Kansas City? I wouldn't have met any of you. And it is so amazing to know how many friends I can count on no matter the distance.

Many feelings

People keep asking me if I'm excited for my move to Colorado. I've started answering yes because people don't seem to like to hear the real answer. Here's the truth. You can know that something is the right move for you and be scared out of you mind. You can know that you have been thinking about this for years and still feel petrified and terribly sad to leave a place you call home. I can't be excited until I process all of my feelings. I love Chicago. I feel so at home here. It's such a wonderful and vibrant city, and I made a life here. And most of all, I have friends who I know that I can count on for anything. That is freaking priceless. So I'm moving with an open mind and heart not expecting to come back, but knowing that I can.

Amsterdam!

My trip to Amsterdam was incredible. I was a little nervous to go solo for the first time ever, but it ended up being amazing. I felt so present every moment. They bike everywhere! There are tram lanes, and space for cars, but bikes rule. Some of the highlights:

• The Anne Frank house tour--This was so moving and so well done. They give you audio guides so you can hear the whole story and move from room to room all the way up to their hiding spaces. It's amazing to think about how quiet they had to be, and that the church bells I heard ringing were the same ones Anne wrote about in her diary. 
• The Van Gogh museum--I have seen Van Gogh here and there over the years. But seeing over 100 of his works and learning about his life story was so cool. I especially loved the paintings he made towards the end of his life. You can see the things he was struggling with in his work.
• Biking--I went biking two times--in Leiden and near the tulip gardens. It was an adventure finding my own way and trying not to get lost and it was so nice to get away from crowds. And the flowers were amazing. 
• City walking tour--I did a guided tour of the city and learned a lot of cool things about the history of the city.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Ended the tour with some authentic dutch food and a Heineken of course.
• Honestly, just doing everything I normally do with someone else was a highlight. Eating at restaurants, going to museums and the orchestra, doing wine and cheese tasting, doing a canal cruise. It was all a lesson that no one gives a crap if you're alone. No one looked at me like I was a weirdo for being alone and it made me more present in each moment. That may be why my week away felt like much longer--because I was present the whole time. 

So go out and adventure! See the world. It is pretty damn cool.

This crazy thing called life

It's been a while since I've written. There's been a lot on my mind. I have been working on changing my mind set from fear-based negative thinking to one of openness, gratitude, and positivity. I actually do believe self-help books help if you're invested in changing. One of the reasons I have been actively working on changing my thoughts is because I have some major things happening or potentially happening in my life. I have my trip to Amsterdam in just under one month, which is so incredibly trippy. I'm so excited to have my first solo adventure. I also have to decide if now is the right time to make a big leap and move again. It would involve lots of trust and belief in myself. It would mean I would be taking on more responsibility and leadership in a different job, it would mean I would have to put myself out there again and make new friends and set up a new life and experiences somewhere else, and it would mean leaving something that is great and very very comfortable.

I have considered myself a bit of a reluctant leader for a while now. I never used to speak up in school even when I had something to contribute that would have really added to the conversation. I got stronger and stronger at this as time went on and have been made to take on more leadership through grad school and my job. I know I can still do more. I need to do more. I have always said that what I do has to make a difference. If what I do doesn't make a difference, what even is the point? So stay tuned. Who knows where life will go from here?

Seize the day

I'm going to Amsterdam! After my trip to Europe last summer, you could say that I'm addicted now. I got a new credit card that has awesome sign on bonuses and travel rewards and was able to use points to pay for the flight. I'm going for a week over spring break. This will be my first solo trip. I'm unbelievably excited and also nervous. I want to see the fields of tulips, the Anne Frank house, and all of the museums. I want to wander the streets, bridges, and canals on foot and by bike. I want to try all of the foods and take pictures and meet new people. If not now, when? Life is too damn short to have regrets. Travel is life to me. I can't wait to have another new experience.

I'm still undecided as to my next move. I may end up staying at my current job. I may end up moving cities. I haven't figured out what I want the most yet. I am so blessed here that it makes it hard to make the move to leave. I'm just looking at all my options right now.  This equals major emotional turmoil a lot of the time. Tears often. I am happy here, but I never planned on being here forever. But staying another year wouldn't mean I'd have to be here forever. And leaving wouldn't mean I couldn't come back. See? This is my brain these days. So, in between job apps and interviews and thinking about do I want to stay at my job and try try try to help those kids some more, I will take some time to plan this adventure to Amsterdam. I cannot wait. An God, please give me some clarity on the rest of my life. A love of travel is the only certainty.

We march for equality

I participated in the women's march in Chicago this past Saturday. It was a beautiful day with blue skies and temperatures in the upper 50s. In January. It was a perfect day to be out standing up for what I believe in. A lot of people don't understand why this was such a big thing. This was a march for equality. For human rights. For women's rights. This was a march saying that I believe that all people should have equal rights and respect regardless of race, gender, or sexual orientation. This was also a march for feminism. Some closed minded or uninformed people think that feminism means that women think they should be better than men. Feminism means that women and men should be equal. And that is not yet the case in this country. So we have to keep fighting.

During the march, there were some chants led by people in the crowd. I found myself joining in, but my voice was soft a lot of the time. I still find myself scared at times. Or sure that someone is going to come by and say, "You can't say that! You're going to hell." I'm finding my voice right now. And it's uncomfortable. And it makes me feel angry sometimes. I think anger is a big part of finding out who you are and what you believe in. Changing your beliefs you've held for a long time causes cognitive dissonance. That stress and uncomfortable feeling you get when you hold two or more contradictory beliefs or values at the same time. But this stress is needed to come to your core values. And I believe there is nothing better than finally coming to know who you are, what you believe, and having solid reasons for why you believe it. So many people don't examine their beliefs. I have been lucky through my education, my friends at college and in Chicago, my life in Chicago, and my experiences traveling to get to know many different perspectives. I also can understand some ways of thinking that I used to hold to be true but no longer do. This is a gift. But it can also be super uncomfortable.

It is time to start speaking up. It is my right and my responsibility.