Many feelings

People keep asking me if I'm excited for my move to Colorado. I've started answering yes because people don't seem to like to hear the real answer. Here's the truth. You can know that something is the right move for you and be scared out of you mind. You can know that you have been thinking about this for years and still feel petrified and terribly sad to leave a place you call home. I can't be excited until I process all of my feelings. I love Chicago. I feel so at home here. It's such a wonderful and vibrant city, and I made a life here. And most of all, I have friends who I know that I can count on for anything. That is freaking priceless. So I'm moving with an open mind and heart not expecting to come back, but knowing that I can.

Amsterdam!

My trip to Amsterdam was incredible. I was a little nervous to go solo for the first time ever, but it ended up being amazing. I felt so present every moment. They bike everywhere! There are tram lanes, and space for cars, but bikes rule. Some of the highlights:

• The Anne Frank house tour--This was so moving and so well done. They give you audio guides so you can hear the whole story and move from room to room all the way up to their hiding spaces. It's amazing to think about how quiet they had to be, and that the church bells I heard ringing were the same ones Anne wrote about in her diary. 
• The Van Gogh museum--I have seen Van Gogh here and there over the years. But seeing over 100 of his works and learning about his life story was so cool. I especially loved the paintings he made towards the end of his life. You can see the things he was struggling with in his work.
• Biking--I went biking two times--in Leiden and near the tulip gardens. It was an adventure finding my own way and trying not to get lost and it was so nice to get away from crowds. And the flowers were amazing. 
• City walking tour--I did a guided tour of the city and learned a lot of cool things about the history of the city.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Ended the tour with some authentic dutch food and a Heineken of course.
• Honestly, just doing everything I normally do with someone else was a highlight. Eating at restaurants, going to museums and the orchestra, doing wine and cheese tasting, doing a canal cruise. It was all a lesson that no one gives a crap if you're alone. No one looked at me like I was a weirdo for being alone and it made me more present in each moment. That may be why my week away felt like much longer--because I was present the whole time. 

So go out and adventure! See the world. It is pretty damn cool.

This crazy thing called life

It's been a while since I've written. There's been a lot on my mind. I have been working on changing my mind set from fear-based negative thinking to one of openness, gratitude, and positivity. I actually do believe self-help books help if you're invested in changing. One of the reasons I have been actively working on changing my thoughts is because I have some major things happening or potentially happening in my life. I have my trip to Amsterdam in just under one month, which is so incredibly trippy. I'm so excited to have my first solo adventure. I also have to decide if now is the right time to make a big leap and move again. It would involve lots of trust and belief in myself. It would mean I would be taking on more responsibility and leadership in a different job, it would mean I would have to put myself out there again and make new friends and set up a new life and experiences somewhere else, and it would mean leaving something that is great and very very comfortable.

I have considered myself a bit of a reluctant leader for a while now. I never used to speak up in school even when I had something to contribute that would have really added to the conversation. I got stronger and stronger at this as time went on and have been made to take on more leadership through grad school and my job. I know I can still do more. I need to do more. I have always said that what I do has to make a difference. If what I do doesn't make a difference, what even is the point? So stay tuned. Who knows where life will go from here?

Seize the day

I'm going to Amsterdam! After my trip to Europe last summer, you could say that I'm addicted now. I got a new credit card that has awesome sign on bonuses and travel rewards and was able to use points to pay for the flight. I'm going for a week over spring break. This will be my first solo trip. I'm unbelievably excited and also nervous. I want to see the fields of tulips, the Anne Frank house, and all of the museums. I want to wander the streets, bridges, and canals on foot and by bike. I want to try all of the foods and take pictures and meet new people. If not now, when? Life is too damn short to have regrets. Travel is life to me. I can't wait to have another new experience.

I'm still undecided as to my next move. I may end up staying at my current job. I may end up moving cities. I haven't figured out what I want the most yet. I am so blessed here that it makes it hard to make the move to leave. I'm just looking at all my options right now.  This equals major emotional turmoil a lot of the time. Tears often. I am happy here, but I never planned on being here forever. But staying another year wouldn't mean I'd have to be here forever. And leaving wouldn't mean I couldn't come back. See? This is my brain these days. So, in between job apps and interviews and thinking about do I want to stay at my job and try try try to help those kids some more, I will take some time to plan this adventure to Amsterdam. I cannot wait. An God, please give me some clarity on the rest of my life. A love of travel is the only certainty.

We march for equality

I participated in the women's march in Chicago this past Saturday. It was a beautiful day with blue skies and temperatures in the upper 50s. In January. It was a perfect day to be out standing up for what I believe in. A lot of people don't understand why this was such a big thing. This was a march for equality. For human rights. For women's rights. This was a march saying that I believe that all people should have equal rights and respect regardless of race, gender, or sexual orientation. This was also a march for feminism. Some closed minded or uninformed people think that feminism means that women think they should be better than men. Feminism means that women and men should be equal. And that is not yet the case in this country. So we have to keep fighting.

During the march, there were some chants led by people in the crowd. I found myself joining in, but my voice was soft a lot of the time. I still find myself scared at times. Or sure that someone is going to come by and say, "You can't say that! You're going to hell." I'm finding my voice right now. And it's uncomfortable. And it makes me feel angry sometimes. I think anger is a big part of finding out who you are and what you believe in. Changing your beliefs you've held for a long time causes cognitive dissonance. That stress and uncomfortable feeling you get when you hold two or more contradictory beliefs or values at the same time. But this stress is needed to come to your core values. And I believe there is nothing better than finally coming to know who you are, what you believe, and having solid reasons for why you believe it. So many people don't examine their beliefs. I have been lucky through my education, my friends at college and in Chicago, my life in Chicago, and my experiences traveling to get to know many different perspectives. I also can understand some ways of thinking that I used to hold to be true but no longer do. This is a gift. But it can also be super uncomfortable.

It is time to start speaking up. It is my right and my responsibility.

New Year, New Joy

I have no idea what I want next in my life in terms of the big picture. I have no freaking clue if I want to stay in Chicago or move to Colorado. I have no idea if I want to stay at my job or find a new one. I have no freaking clue. I know that I would be happy here and likely would be happy there. But change is always such a gamble. And how do you know if you even need to make a change? Chicago was such a clear choice. Why can't all my decisions be so easy as the decision was to come here?

Here's what I do know. I want to keep traveling and exploring and expanding my worldview. I'm going to go to Seattle to see my friend in June. I want to see the national parks up there, hike, drink wine, and see the beautiful Pacific Northwest. I'm going to go home for a long weekend after my future nephew is born, which I couldn't be more excited about. I want so so so badly to do my first solo trip where I know no one to Ireland. This is what I'm passionate about. If someone would pay me to travel the world, hike, try new things, and meet new people while somehow making a difference, damn--I would have found my absolute dream job. And if it would somehow allow me to keep my cats, that would rule.

This year had its challenges with my health, with car repairs and car accidents, and unexpected expenses. But this year I also accomplished the biggest goal of my life so far. I traveled to Europe and saw London, Paris, and Venice, Florence, Siena, and Rome. And even though half of that was with one good eye, I am so lucky to have had that opportunity. I cannot explain to you how I felt during that trip, especially before my eye issue, but I can try. Have you ever felt those flashes like anything is possible in a moment? That you're so happy and confident and full of joy in a single moment? Because that happened over and over and over. I remember walking through the streets of London late at night with Dominique thinking, "So this is what it's like to be completely free." And I made that happen. You can make your dreams come true. And I plan to continue to do that in 2017.

As far as goals and plans for next year, I just want to be at my healthiest again. I want to learn to take care of my body with the right nutrition and push myself to try new workouts. I want to learn to be more generous and financially smart. I need to come from a place of gratitude rather than a feeling of lack. And I want to travel somewhere new on my own. So here's to another beautiful year that will have it's challenges, but will also be full of new experiences, friends, and joy.

Thoughts after this election

Watching the election results Tuesday night was like a waking nightmare. I could feel my heart sinking with each new announcement for Trump. I ended up crying and being too anxious to sleep for a while. I woke up twice and had a hard time getting back to sleep.  The idea that someone who has run on the platform of such hate towards so many becoming the president of our country is very upsetting. The idea that so many people don't care about the things he has said and done because he says he anti-abortion or because he claims he can help their economic problems is just as upsetting. Here's the thing: it's easy to brush things that he said under the rug if they don't affect you. So for example if you're a white Christian male, or even white Christian female who believe that being pro-life is all that matters, it won't bother you that he said he can "grab women by the pussy," or that he wants to build a wall between U.S. and Mexico, or that he said he wants to deport Muslims. It won't bother you that there is talk of him appointing a Creationist as Secretary of Education. It won't upset you that his hate speech and anti-woman speech and actions have made hateful people feel it is more acceptable to openly show their hate. Or at least it didn't upset you enough to not vote for him. It also won't bother you that he denies climate change because you probably also don't believe it exists despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

Here's the thing. I was raised in a very isolated manner surrounded by people who looked like me, thought like me, and told me what to believe. It wasn't until I traveled to Colorado at age 17 and then Chicago at age 21 that I realized how much more was truly out there. I had wanted to see the world in a vague sense before then, but I had never been motivated to try something new. College began to expand my worldview by introducing me to friends and people who had been raised differently than me. My classes in psychology, which yes, is a science, showed me that homosexuality is not a choice and helped me understand the human psyche. I moved to Chicago and got my degree in school psychology and my worldview expanded even more. Chicago is a beautiful city that has its issues for sure with gang violence and racial tensions and divide, but I am so proud to live here as it is also a city that is incredibly open and inclusive.  For the first time in my life, I was living in a city where you can feel free to 100% be who you truly are without fear. I see men who love men, women who love women, and women and men who love one another who are free to express that. There are religious and non-religious. There are spiritual people and atheists. All of this combined with how I was raised have made me who I am and have made me more able to see and understand both sides of many issues. 

I have also become a feminist and am becoming more and more so every day. In case you weren't yet aware, being a feminist simply means you believe men and women are equal and deserve the same rights and opportunities. It is not our right to determine what a woman can and cannot do to her body because it may compromise with someone's moral beliefs.  It is not anyone's right to try to defund Planned Parenthood, an organization which provides free or reduced medical care to so many people who otherwise wouldn't be able to afford it. It it not our right to try to make a grieving woman or woman who simply chose for herself what was right be shamed for making a choice. Think twice before you dehumanize a woman who needs a late-term abortion for medical reasons. Think twice before you tell a rape victim that she should suck it up and be pregnant for nine months and then give birth to that baby. Do not think it is okay to shame a woman for her sexual experience or inexperience. I will also not accept a man who has admitted to sexually assaulting women as my president. And shame on you if you are more willing to believe that a group of women collaborated to make up these stories before you're willing to believe Donald Trump assaulted these women even after you heard it on tape. Women and men deserve equal rights and respect, period. 

I know why some people who are Catholic voted for Trump even though the Pope himself stated his lack of support. They vote on one issue often, and one issue only, and that is whether or not a candidate is pro-life. I completely understand as I used to believe the same way. I used to also think in such black and white terms before I knew the whole story. I believed a lot of things blindly, out of fear, out of shame, and because I didn't know another way. All of this is complicated by the fact that I was privileged to receive a great education through the Catholic school system. So I have had to wrestle with doubt, shame, fear, guilt, cognitive dissonance, and now anger while moving from one side to another. I am grateful to have had parents who cared so much for me and who taught me good morals and who sacrificed to give me a good education. I am grateful to have been allowed the freedom to grow and get this education so that I could learn to form my own opinions. It is okay to no longer believe the same things as your parents. It is okay to be angry and feel that you were brainwashed too. I have dealt with all of these feelings. But I am so so grateful to now be able to see so many different perspectives now. It is a rare thing. And I promise to no longer be silent about things that matter. I will stand with those who are oppressed. It is my responsibility.