The last few months have been challenging. I had a retina detachment in June and lately have been very sick for several weeks with the worst sore throat I have every had. I'm finally feeling better. I have had doctors tell me to take time off from volleyball. I have had to stay home and rest instead of going out and being with friends. I have had to find my way back into volleyball and yoga two times now. Yoga is wonderful because although it is very frustrating to have my progress stalled, it is about more than just the physical postures. It's about learning to listen to your body and be where you are.

It's been difficult to learn to adjust to playing volleyball with one good eye. It can be disappointing to not be as capable.  My eye doctor told me that I am still at high risk for this happening to me again. There's nothing I can do to prevent it, so I'm going to keep living my life and doing the things I love.

I have been physically and emotionally challenged the last few months, but I am so grateful for my health overall. I finally am feeling like myself again. So here's to a great September and even better October.

The Present Moment

In each of the places I went during my trip to Europe, there were certain moments that were just perfect. One of the wonderful things about my trip was the feeling of just being present in moments. Not worrying about things in the past or things in the future. Just being present and feeling each moment. So here are some of these from the places we went to:

London:

• sitting in OXO Tower for not your afternoon tea and remembering the moment I had booked the reservation and realizing it was happening.
• dropping into a random house party and asking to use their bathroom. Which they were totally cool with!
• driving over the Tower Bridge on the way back from an amazing night out.

Paris:

• an accordion player playing La Vie in Rose on the Metro
• sitting on the steps of the Sacre Couer
• being overwhelmed with emotion in the Notre Dame
• seeing the sun streaming through the stained glass of the St. Chapelle and feeling my heart pounding it was so beautiful.
• having an absolute blast with a group of guys from Wales at a bar one night
• dancing the night away at an Irish bar by the Moulin Rouge
• Looking out at the view from the little balcony at our air bnb.
• partying with the Irish at lunch by the Eiffel Tower

Venice

• seeing the canals for the first time and realizing that Venice looks EXACTLY like all the pictures.
• sitting by one of the smaller canals, eating apertivo and writing postcards
• ordering my first cappucino in Italian at the bar and having no clue what I was really doing.

Florence

• happening upon a beautiful opera singer and an accordion player and just sitting and listening.
• eating one of the most delicious meals of my life. Pesto gniocci and steak.

Siena

• Sitting in the piazza and writing in my little travel journal
• sitting on one of the city walls and watching the people go by.
• ordering cappucino each morning at the same place.

Rome

• seeing the Colosseum for the first time at night
• feeling and seeing the history while walking the Roman Forum.
• having a most wonderful dinner our last night in Europe.
• walking alone one night down to the ruins and hearing a wonderful singer/guitar player.

Such an amazing trip. I'm already dreaming of more and trying to find ways to keep my sense of wonder, focus on the present, and confidence that I felt when I was over there.

Mid-year check in

Here's what people forget to tell you about the after effects of an epic trip that fulfills a life long dream: You have to come back. And when you come back, everything is the same, even though you feel different. You go from spending every day seeing something new and wonderful and historic, meeting amazing new people, and having the highest of highs, and sometimes, some real lows. You feel everything. And if you're already someone who feels things really intensely with emotions right on the surface, these experiences feel even more life changing.  I remember thinking in Paris, how can life be this intensely amazing? And then feeling so scared in Florence. And then I came home feeling changed and everything was the same.

I've gotten a little complacent and set in my ways in Chicago. For several years I was constantly pushing myself outside of my comfort zone in an effort to meet new people and during grad school every single day. The last two years though, I have been at the same job and in the same apartment and I haven't really tried anything new lately. This can make life really simple and easy but can lack some excitement. I never want to settle into complacency. Yoga teaches something called santosha, or contentment. I have felt that many moments here. But in addition to being content, I want to continue to grow. And that means setting new goals and meeting new people, even though I already know some pretty great ones. 

So my goals for the rest of this year moving forward are:

1.) to try new things and meet new people. I will do this through taking salsa lessons for beginners, even though dancing terrifies me a little and by joining another S3 league.

2.) to fulfill more of my New Year's promises to myself. I will do this by donating blood 1-2 times and by taking those salsa lessons.

3.) to get in the best shape of my life again. I will do this by practicing yoga 5-6 times per week and by improving my eating habits.

4.) to plan my next adventure. I will do this by saving and working extra babysitting and cutting some costs such as cable.

5.) to continue to work on improving self-esteem and self-confidence. I will do this by practicing yoga, practicing affirmations and positive self-talk.

What are your goals? We're more than halfway through the year but there's still time to work on becoming your best self.

Burano broke my eyes

I want and need to write a little about what has been going on with my eye. So here's what has happened so far. Rachel and I had just finished breakfast in Venice the day we were leaving for Florence. As we were walking back to our airbnb, all of a sudden I noticed a large black spot at the bottom of my field of vision in my right eye. I immediately knew something wasn't right. My first two thoughts were retinal detachment or migraine. I was praying for a migraine because my eye doctor has told me for years that if I suspect a retinal detachment that I have to go to an ER right away because it can lead to blindness if not treated right away. I cleaned my contact lens but the black spot was still there even without a contact in. I took Tylenol in case it was a migraine. I was of course already emotional and freaking out because nothing like this had every happened to me before.

We got on the train to Florence, which luckily is high speed from Venice to Florence. During the train ride, my anxiety got worse and worse as my vision got worse and worse. I started to notice that more of my field of vision in my right eye was dark. I also had flashing light bubbles in my eye. We had a horrible arrival in Florence with a thunderstorm and my eye problems. Once we finally checked into our airbnb, we asked our host for information about the hospital. When we got to the hospital, thanks to google translate and an incredibly kind nurse, I was able to be seen. They dilated my eyes, I waited an hour, and they checked me out and told me I had a detached retina and needed surgery the next morning. I was relieved to know what the problem was but terrified about surgery even though the doctors told me that the surgeons did these kinds of surgeries all of the time and were wonderful doctors. I had to fast until my surgery was over.

The next morning we went back to the hospital. It was tough to be sure all of the information I was exchanging with the nurses and doctors was accurate and what they needed since mostly only the top doctors spoke English. We managed through each of us knowing a little, google translate, gestures, and conversion tools. I decided on being completely under general anethesia during surgery because my anxiety was so bad I knew I couldn't handle being awake during something like that. It was hard to be in such a vulnerable position preparing for surgery and it was hard to not really know all of what was going on because of the language barrier. I remember that the surgeon was somehow able to make me laugh right before going into the operating room by making a joke about how great my holiday to Europe must be going. I remember being given a drug that relaxed me a lot thank goodness, panicking right before they gave me anethesia, and then being brought back to my room and my eye hurting as they laid me face down. I waited a little and when the pain didn't go away, I asked for some pain medication. Thankfully Rachel had stayed around all day waiting for me so I wasn't alone. I had dinner that night with my roommate, a sweet Italian woman. We had a little conversation in basic Italian and English. I luckily was able to sleep pretty well that night and they discharged me the next morning with prescriptions to fill and instructions to come back the next week. I couldn't open my eye all the way yet but could tell that I wasn't blind, thank God.

We got back to our airbnb and I didn't really have much time to rest because we had to pick up my eye drops, pay my bill at a bank, and then go to the museum with the David statue. I didn't want to keep missing things since we had already missed our wine tour because of my surgery. So...I definitely didn't have time to process what the heck had just happened to me. And off and on the rest of the trip I would freak out that my vision would never be fully back, that I wouldn't be able to play volleyball or do yoga again, and then would feel bad about feeling bad while on my dream vacation. Rachel so awesomely kept me from running into people and cars and falling on my face by being my eyes and giving me her arm to hold onto. I felt lucky to be able to continue with the trip and also frustrated that it had happened at all since it kept me from completely being able to be present in the places I was. I also had to go back for a checkup in Florence the next week where I was once again overwhelmed this time because of the language barrier. After some tears and help from a kind woman and a doctor who spoke English, I was able to get checked in and eventually seen. I also met a nice bilingual man who had also had to have retinal detachment surgery. Our last night in Florence, which was really my only day there, we came upon an amazing opera singer who completely touched me. I bought her music and she sweetly gave me a hug and wished me a good recovery.

Being back, I am still dealing with the fears I had before that this could happen again, that I might not see fully again, and that I won't be able to do the things that I love. I'm checked out again in just over a week and hopefully will get some questions answered. This has been one of the most challenging things that has ever happened to me. Dealing with this, processing how it happened in Europe, and trying to find ways to cope that aren't exercise has been really difficult. The things that have been the bright side of this have been the kind people, Rachel's support, and realizing and having it reinforced that it is so damn important to make your dreams a reality as soon as you can because you never know what could happen to you.

One person can't feel all that!

I still haven't fully processed what happened during my time in Europe and how it changed me and affected me. It's been almost a week since we've been back. In three weeks I saw my dreams fulfilled, my expectations exceeded, and I experienced a medical crisis in a foreign country. I need a whole book to write about the things we saw, felt, and learned (and we're toying with the idea for sure!). I honestly don't know where to even begin. So here are some things I felt and learned:

• excitement and amazement at an unexpected seat upgrade on the flight to London
• being overwhelmed and in disbelief at being in London after just having been in the U.S.
• being at afternoon tea in London and remembering the exact things I had been thinking and feeling when I made the reservation. 
• Staring up at the Eiffel Tower and realizing my dreams were now my reality.
• the thrill of being a part of the Euro Cup, the huge European soccer tournament
• absolute awe, amazement, and some grief while visiting the Notre Dame Cathedral
• wonder (What's a better word than wonder?) and my heart pounding with disbelief about how beautiful the Sainte-Chapelle is.
• joy at spending time getting to know and understand new cultures by meeting new people from all over the world
• contentment just doing something like eating a fresh baguette and drinking wine in our Paris apartment.
• fear at witnessing a riot/protest down below in the streets one night in Paris.
• being mesmerized by the beautiful sights of Venice and astonished at how much it feels like being in a movie set.
• panicking and running to catch trains at the last minute with luggage.
• Fear and panic when realizing something was not right with my eye.
• Confusion and fear while at the hospital, having to get ready for surgery, having surgery done, and staying overnight.
• Empathy for people who daily experience the feeling of being confused and not understood because of language.
• Gratitude for the wonderful people we met who helped us in some way. Kindness means everything.
• Marveling at seeing sights like the Colosseum and Roman ruins and feeling the weight of the people who lived and worked in these places.
• Fun and happiness during moments like having a wonderful dinner with wine.
• Being scared and also relieved that we were scheduled to be in Istanbul two days after a terror attack.
• A feeling of sadness and loss when coming home.
• A sense of knowing that this is just the beginning.
• Le joie de vivre

This dream I've been dreaming

I don't know if people are sick of hearing about my upcoming trip yet, but writing is my favorite outlet. I leave in 24 hours for my three week trip to Europe. I have been dreaming of this for what feels like forever. I just remember this past fall knowing that I had to do it the summer of 2016. I always said I would do it before I was 30. And so I made it happen not knowing 100% that I would have the money. I found a way to make extra money and have somehow made it happen. I do believe in having high expectations and feeling your excitement and living life joyfully.  So I'm having a lot of damn feelings right now. I know things will happen that I may not expect, but that's half the fun. So to sum up, I've been pacing my apartment half the day after packing just waiting for this great adventure. And as soon as I get back I bet I will be planning my next one.

What makes you feel alive?

The U.S. issued another terror alert today to travelers going to Europe this summer. It basically reads, be scared wherever you go. Here's the deal. If I really thought about all the bad things that could happen to me on a daily basis I would never leave my apartment. Some people are like that. It's called having agoraphobia.

I refuse to be that way. I refuse to live in fear of what might happen. I try to live my life in gratitude for all I have been so lucky to have been given and in anticipation for all the great things I still will have a chance to experience.

Why am I still so psyched to go to Europe? Why is it still so so important to me?
Even before I had the travel bug officially, I remember that Paris was the very first place that I ever heard about and saw pictures of and just knew that I had to see it. It seemed so magical. I have to go and see the world. I have to know what life is like outside my little bubble, outside my city, and outside my country. I want to see history and walk on land that has seen so much. I want to experience different cultures and meet new people and see what makes us different and what makes us the same.

If we stop traveling and stop living our lives and sharing love and excitement and hope with others, the terrorists have gotten exactly what they wanted. I won't not visit New York, I won't refuse to run another race one day, I won't stop going to movies or shopping malls or my job in a school. And I won't let five-year-old me down by skipping out on seeing Paris. I'm going to Europe and soon. And I can't wait. Life is too short to not make your dreams a reality. I want to live my life knowing that I did things that made me feel alive. Otherwise, what is the point?