Goodbyes and Lessons Learned

Had the first of many good-bye sessions of sorts today--my last group session with my Stress and Anxiety Group. We each co-run several groups in a year. I co-run Stress and Anxiety, Women's Issues, and Pathways (life skills). This stress group has been a really good experience. These kids are awesome and really respectful so it's an ideal group to learn how to run an effective group with.

During our last session today we had pizza and talked about things we have learned about/from one another. It was really touching and adorable and full of warm fuzzies. They all said super sweet things about each other and me. One of my girls who I adore and another boy who never really talks really touched me with the things they said. The boy, who almost never speaks, told me that he never really connected with interns last year and is almost glad he is graduating so that he won't be coming back to group without me there. That almost made me lose it. You sometimes don't know how big of a difference you are making.

This is one of the most amazing things about our jobs. As annoying and frustrating and overwhelming it has been at times to be an intern this year, it has also been incredibly rewarding and has taught me an amazing amount. I have been able to truly make a difference in students' lives rather than just be a testing machine. We make a difference in people's lives. That matters. That's what it all comes down to. Kids knowing that someone there cares about what happens to them. Be real. Be authentic. CARE. Honestly, that's 95% of my counseling skills.

Why we do what we do

This has been a really tough week for me at work. It's been mentally and emotionally draining. I had to make two phone calls to DCFS--one being for a kid who has been dealing with trauma his entire life and is still suffering. I saw a ton of kids for all different things. I also had several special ed meetings along with my regular job duties of seeing kids I normally see, running groups, and consulting with teachers and counselors. And today I had a meeting for my absolute favorite kid and had to say good-bye to him, as he'll be going to another school. Even though I know it's best for him because the school is smaller and he'll have more support, it actually has made me pretty upset. Because let me tell you a secret: We get attached. We care. And we care deeply. Even when we've just met a kid. There is so much hurt out there and part of our job is having empathy, and when you are constantly practicing active listening and feeling everything your clients feel, it's natural to take some of that home with you.

I wish this kid the very best. I'm worried for him--He's one I have no idea what the future holds for him. He's so capable of forming caring and trusting relationships with adults even though he has no reason to trust them. I hope this placement is the right one for him and that he gets the help he needs to get on, and stay on, the right path. They say there is always at least one student from your internship you will never forget. That's definitely this one.

This week, crazy as it has been, has made me more confident in myself as an independent practitioner, and has made me even more certain that I made the right choice in choosing this profession. We make a real difference every day. And at the end of the day, I may come home exhausted, but I come home knowing that I made at least one kid feel cared about that day. That's all any of us really want in the end. To know another person on this earth truly cares about what happens to us.

Aunt Annie

Last week I lost someone incredibly important to me, my Aunt Annie. Aunt Annie has been a huge part of my life since the day I was born. She was my godmother and has been with me every step of my life. Growing up, we were always over at her house or she was over at ours because Tony and Ben were our partners in crime. It's actually hard for me to pick out specific memories because there are so many. She always was looking out for me though, saying she had to because I was her goddaughter. She was there for my first communion and Confirmation and graduations. I always will remember her coming over just to pick up her coupons and then staying for hours to talk. Mom and she would slowly move toward the door and then talk there for an hour and then move outside and then talk there for another.

When we got older, we started having girl's nights where we would all get together (mom, Sara, Catherine, me, and Aunt Annie) and have food, drinks, and movies or games. We would choose different themes like Halloween, Christmas cookie baking, game night, Beatles night, Royals games, Harry Potter, and on and on. We had so much fun and I'm so glad we started doing it so she could do girly things since she never had girls.

The last times I had with her were Christmas cookie baking on December 23rd, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day. We all go back in our heads and think, "If I had known those were the last times I had with her, what would I have done differently?" All I can say is that I would have sat next to her and talked to her all day instead of 20 minutes on Christmas. I would have hugged her and told her I loved her even though she was never overly touchy feely. And I wouldn't have left ever.

I swear that I will never forget you. I know I will see you again some day. I know you're happy somewhere out there that I can't see. We miss you. Say hi to grandpa for me.

Tough days

In our job, tough days take different forms. There's the terribly stressful and emotionally draining days when you encounter something like abuse, self-harm, or suicide. There are the tiring days that are full of meetings where you have to make your case and have to be sure to know your stuff. And then there are the days when you just feel terribly ineffective.

Today was the third kind of day. I have two kind of secret "favorite" kids this year. Two special cases, if you will. Number one is just a really really good kid who I'm worried about because he's started to miss classes and fail everything. He's really really likable, though, which is another reason why he's a special case. I think there are learning difficulties that are leading him to want to avoid class. Today he lied and told his teacher he had been down to see me when he was really just skipping class. Right now I'm doing everything I can to get as much information as I can to figure out how to help. I just wonder if he realizes how much people there care about him and his future.

The second is another special one. He stood me up today. First he came down during a class, and I sent him back to class because we had a scheduled meeting during his study hall. He ended up skipping out of school early.

UGH. I feel like I have great relationships with these two, too, which makes it even harder to handle when things don't go well.

Next week's a new week, though. The good thing about our jobs, though, is that we can have some a strong positive impact. It's hard to remember that sometimes we can only do so much. After that, it's up to them. The hardest part is to not take it personally.

Thank God for great friends

The song Box of Stones is one of those songs that takes me back to a moment. It's actually really special, in that it takes me back to more than just one single moment. It takes me back to a feeling--the feeling I had all of last summer. The feeling of being so grateful and so happy to be alive and young and to be living a life that I always dreamed of living, and yet even surpassed what I was dreaming of. Random, I know, but sometimes I just have to get my thoughts down.

Tonight was a Superbowl party at Erin's house. A ton of my favorite people were there and we had a great time. I definitely didn't take it for granted. My first year here I didn't really know anyone. My second year, Carlos invited me to his place to watch it, which I did and had a really good time. But I really only knew him and Rene at that point. And then this year, there were nearly 20 people and I knew almost everyone there! Life has a wonderful way of working out.

This was a really fun weekend. Volleyball awesomeness Friday and then fun out with Justin and Christine Saturday night for a birthday party. Back to the grind tomorrow but more awesomeness is always on the way!

Winter blahs

It's hard not to get down and depressed when the weather is so awful day after day. Trudging through snow and slush and trying not to fall on ice is not my idea of a good time. Luckily, there's usually something fun happening each weekend and spring and summer are coming.

On Saturday I did a wine and painting night at Ian Sherwin's gallery. I went there this summer with some friends. Once again, it was an absolute blast. He gave great suggestions and then let us do our thing. I based my painting off of a photo I took in Taos, New Mexico. Friday, Rene and Rocio and I went to see Madame Butterfly. It was my first opera ever. Totally in Italian but they put the words up above the screen. It was pretty cool but super depressing. Moral of the story-you can't count on men.

I've been sort of down overall lately due to things in my apartment, my workload, and the weather. Trying to stay positive--the weather will get better eventually and it's almost time for baseball spring training!

Reflections on 2013

2013 was another year full of transitions. I finished as a practicum student and became an intern. I moved neighborhoods again. I joined even more leagues and met even more new awesome people.

Some highlights:

• meeting some new awesome people (Shelby, Justin, Meghan, Christine, Nate, Rob, Abeer, Rocio, Haroon, Dora, my softball/kickball team, and I know there were more I'm not even mentioning here).
• playing some more competitive volleyball and having the time of my life
• awesome volleyball tournaments and just playing on the beach having one of the best summers ever
• achieving personal goals while running the Soldier Field 10 miler and the Rock 'n Roll half.
• meeting David Cook and Sara Bareilles!
• climbing my third 14er, Gray's Peak
• celebrating 2 years in the city I love

Ready for 2014 and all the amazing possibilities that come along with it.