2020 and the ups and downs

This has been a year of change. And unexpected things. To recap....

I went on a first date with my now fiance on January 5th, 2020. We have made it through quarantining together, job loss and transitions, and Kalen probably having covid as well as bronchitis. All the stupid corny sayings are true. When it's right, it's easy and you just know. I have no doubt in my mind that he is the one for me for forever. Excuse me while I barf at how cute I am.

We had such a great time in Oregon and Washington. Being proposed to on a hike has always been my dream and this was super special. Other favorite things were wine tasting and staying in a motel right on the ocean.

In terms of other changes, I am transitioning to a new school soon. I got hired on at an elementary school in Cherry Creek School District. I am really excited because it is super diverse and the people I have met (most virtually) have seemed really nice. I am making goals around accepting that it is okay to not be perfect and to be flexible in how I work with kids. With covid, I am going to have to be creative whether we are in school or working remotely to try to stay as safe as possible.

This means I am leaving Reunion. I learned so much there and getting the chance to open a school was an amazing opportunity. The teachers there are some of the best I have ever worked with and I will miss them a lot. Special shout out to Mindy Bulmer for being a great teammate the past few years. I am making one of my new mantras for work, "What would Mindy Bulmer do?" because she is so cool, calm, and collected under pressure. Farewell Yetis!

This doesn't even begin to cover all that has happened this year but it's a start. Let's hope we get a vaccine soon!

I cannot believe it has been 9 years since I started this blog after my move to Chicago. Life is such a crazy ride.

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Snowed in

I thought now would be a good time to write since I've been snowed in all day. We got hit with a major snowstorm and got over a foot of snow. I saw the forecast Sunday and changed my flight home to Thursday morning, which was totally the right call since my original flight this morning was cancelled last night.

Since I last wrote in August, I have had some major ups and downs related to work. I started off this year putting a ton of pressure on myself. My caseload has tripled in 3 years and our overall student population has increased by more than 200 students. I have always been a bit of a perfectionist, so feeling like I'm not doing an A+ job in every area of the job really was dragging me down. I have been dealing with burnout. I ended up getting super sick at the end of October with a couple of different illnesses and ended up taking time off for that and because of a snow day. After that, I realized something had to give, and have been working really hard in changing my mindset a bit. I have been trying to wake up each day and think of two things I am grateful for. And during the work day, I am trying to do more of "taking things as they come." This is what mindfulness is about. I'm trying to complain less, and do more of accepting things as they are. I am trying to reframe "being bothered," as "Someone needs me to try and help them." This is not an easy task, because as a school psychologist you are pulled in 8,000 directions.

For example job duties may include: testing, assessment planning and scoring, report and IEP writing, observations, functional behavior assessments and behavior plans, IEP and evaluation and 504 meetings, consultation with teachers, push in support for behaviors and time on task, counseling, crisis response, team meetings, transfer paperwork, answering phone calls and emails....and more.

It's a lot. It's impossible to do it all perfectly. I am trying to learn to be okay with it. I love my coworkers and a lot about my school and want to be able to stick it out. Last Friday we went out as a school for apps and drinks and then got to play laser tag at the school in the dark! It reminded me of how much I love and appreciate my coworkers.

And now it's break time for Thanksgiving. Just have to make one final push before Christmas break.
Here's hoping the mental shift continues to work wonders!

Life changes 2019

Funnily enough, I titled a blog post about one year ago the same thing. Life changes a lot in just a year.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever know where I belong. Is there just one place? The older I get, the less I think so. I keep being mentally drawn back to Australia. But also Paris. But also Chicago. And even Kansas City because of my family. I don't know that there is a next place in the US that I want to live, but there are several places in other countries I think it would be fun to try one day. It's so funny to me how some people can be so happy just staying in one place and some people never want to stop moving on.

There's a lot I love about Colorado, but I have had some hard moments, especially over the last year. I try to remind myself that the hard moments would have come, some just in a different form, if I lived somewhere else. Also, hard times happen in life. Doesn't make it any easier. I've been doing a ton of reflecting through everything which is definitely helping. I feel like my 20s were a lot about me changing and evolving and getting my own world views and friendships unrelated to my childhood. I learned so many new things and met so many different people that between 18-28 I became a new version of myself. But nobody warned me that my 30s would be so hard. I feel like everyone is getting into long term relationships, getting engaged and married, moving into houses, or having kids. And since I'm not falling into that group, I feel kind of like the odd one out. It does help having some other friends in the same situation, but man, society keeps making me feel like a weirdo.

Right now, the most important goals that I have revolve around getting to continue to travel. Travel is what I live for, and what I work so hard to save money for. It feels like there are endless possibilities out there. One thing I don't ever want to happen to me is to have a boring life.

So I'm going to continue to question and reflect and try to listen to what my intuition tells me is next. Who knows? I definitely don't.

Fear and Solo Travel

I haven't written on here in a long time. There have been some things going on in my personal life that were not so happy, and I don't like to write and post things online and be inauthentic. But I would like to share about my recent travels and some of the things that they have taught me.

But first, let's talk a little about fear. Fear is the feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I'm unsure how something is going to turn out. It's essentially either a lack of confidence in myself or in more serious situations, it's all about not knowing what is going to happen next. I feel this fear in my daily life when I'm lacking confidence at work or trying something new, like when I joined the social sports leagues in Chicago, or when I moved to Chicago and Denver not knowing a soul. I feel this fear traveling when I am packing and get to the airport, and again if I'm somewhere where the main language isn't English, and again when I started learning to dine alone or go to bars alone. Recently I felt this feeling in the pit of my stomach when I went to go play drop in volleyball for the first time in nine months.

How do I deal with this fear? I push through and do the thing I am scared of anyway. And each time I can then draw back on the past times I did this and see how it all turned out. Often, it turns out that pushing past the fear led to something great. And if I'm nervous in the meantime, I tell myself that the worst that can happen is that I go do something I'm scared of, stay for a little, and then leave and go back to my comforts.

In March, I traveled to London and Paris for the second time ever and first time alone. In June, I traveled to Australia solo. I really enjoy solo travel. It's fun to travel with a friend because you can sometimes party harder and you have someone to watch your back, but it's so lovely to travel by yourself. You can eat and sleep on your own schedule, spend your money and time entirely how you want, and you open yourself up to having discussions with and meeting people you may not have otherwise met.

In Paris, I had to be brave each time I went to buy coffee or have a meal or ask anyone anything. I had to assume they didn't speak English and I had to use the few French phrases I know to ask them if they spoke English. Many spurts of bravery multiple times each day. Each time I travel solo I push myself further. This last trip to Australia, I decided I wanted to go to a bar where a girl I had met on a tour said there would be a great view of downtown Sydney. I had never been to a bar abroad by myself. I walked in, ordered, saw a table with two girls and extra space, and asked if I could join them. They said yes and we had a lovely conversation. Then they said goodbye and a new group came and I invited them to join me and introduced myself again. I normally would never do this back home. Traveling solo makes me realize that the person I want to be is already inside of me. She is RIGHT THERE, stuck underneath the fear and insecurity and belief that she is not an extrovert.

Just because I know these things, does not mean that it is easy for me to try new things and go out and meet new people. Sometimes I just want to stay home alone and snuggle my cats and not feel that uneasy feeling in my stomach of the unknown. But the more I do these things that scare me, the easier it does get. And solo travel is a huge part of this.

Next destination for me? Who knows? 3 continents down, 4 to go!

Fall Recap!

It has been so long since  I wrote. I have honestly been having too much fun traveling, having visitors, and exploring the awesome area of the city I now live in. In August, I went back to Chicago with April to visit my friends. We had such a great time even with the humidity being ridiculous. Chicago will always be home to me. It's kind of indescribable the way it gets under your skin.

In October, I got to go see my family. I love visiting and seeing how much my little nephew changes with each visit. I love him so freaking much. It makes it harder to be away. But I know one day when he can understand he will admire his crazy Aunt Rachel for always going for her dreams.

I also had two of my best friends as visitors in October, Rene and Kristin. It makes me so happy to see my friends and show them my new city. Oh, and I also was in a guitar concert in October for my guitar class. Felt like a major rockstar. I plan on keeping up the guitar lessons for the long haul.

And finally, April and I hosted a couple of parties the last few months. We had a small get together for Halloween and an awesome Thanksgiving with friends. It was my first Thanksgiving away from my family and even though I always miss them, we had an absolutely wonderful time cooking for friends. The turkey turned out amazing and I loved getting to make the pumpkin pie just like mom taught me.

Work has been pretty insane this year. I honestly have questioned a few times why I chose this career. I am always feeling like nothing I do will every be good enough. I am doing the best I can, and the best doesn't feel good enough. I need more hours in the day. I sometimes feel like I need a less stressful job. Focusing on positives helps. So has taking work home on occasion. I also need to not be so hard on myself. I am doing the best I can. And that has to be enough.

I am so freaking excited for the holidays! Bring on Christmas and all of the Christmas things!!!

Life changes

I got to move downtown last week. I knew that I wanted to live down in this area since a month after I moved to Denver. I had come down for a yoga class and realized how cute it was and how many things there seemed to be to do. I started visualizing it and believing it could happen back in October of last year.  And I made it happen!

I moved into a two bedroom apartment with April in a neighborhood called, Lohi, or the lower highlands. I immediately have felt happier after making this move. I'm realizing that the transition from Chicago to a suburb of Denver was way too drastic of a change.

I'm now able to bike around on bike trails and in the city again and able to walk to yoga classes. I live by amazing restaurants and lots of places with happy hours. I am walking and/or biking distance from some of the coolest areas of the city. And I get to live with a friend, which is good for me right now because I did spend the last year missing Chicago and friends so much. I don't miss it as much now that I'm back in the energy of a city. I can't wait to explore everywhere.

Today was our first day back at work for this school year. The summer always flies by so fast, especially when you have epic experiences. I got to see Alaska, Ireland, hike a ton, and move to my dream neighborhood. Every school year I get anxious and nervous that I'm not up for the job, or that I've forgotten everything I know about how to do it. I fear not being good enough. Hopefully once I get back in the swing of things, that will fade. I hope by relying on the support of some great team members, I can handle some of the things that tend to give me the most challenges. Can't believe it's year five as a school psychologist already. Guess we gotta go ahead and do this thing. I'm already planning my next adventure.

I consider myself something of a wanderer. People here have started to ask me if I see myself settling in Colorado long-term. My answer is that I have no clue whatsoever. I can see myself here in this area and in this job for around five years total. I can't see further than that, and I suppose I could even change my mind about that sooner. Here is what I do know. Life can start to feel stagnant, even when you are having amazing experiences with great friends or your family. Life can start to feel stagnant even when you are living in a place where you have grown and changed and feel like you truly belong, if you live there long enough. I am feeling better about living here as more time goes by, especially knowing that I get to move downtown soon. I have missed the energy and opportunity of living in the heart of a city and connected to everything.

Having said that, I still miss Chicago and honestly think I always will. It is part of my heart and soul. It's hard to describe. It's just a complete sense of belonging and acceptance and having become who I am there. If I were to move back I would miss the mountains in the same way though. Why can't we be everywhere we want to be at once?

I also miss Kansas City and my family as well. I wish I could be there to see my family weekly instead of every four or five months. I want to see my beautiful nephew learn and grow. Kansas City shaped me too.

I miss people every time I visit and have to leave or every time they visit me and have to go back. I try to avoid seeing some social media posts because if I keep living in the past I won't be able to eve be fully present.

I've been thinking about this a lot clearly. But being a wanderer is just part of who I am. It's the hardest thing in the world to move on and leap and try new things, but it is always worth it. And part of this need to wander also means I have crazy, huge wanderlust.

I just got back from an amazing trip to Alaska. I went with a tour group called Alaska Outdoors. They lead adventure tours more off of the beaten path in small groups. There were nine of us on this tour, plus our awesome guide who basically knew everything about everything. We traveled from Anchorage to Whittier to pick up the ferry to Valdez. The ferry ride to Valdez was 6.5 hours long. We were super lucky and got amazing weather the whole ride. It was the longest I have just enjoyed scenery and done nothing else (except a nap here and there) probably ever. View after view after view.

We set up camp just out of Valdez by and amazing waterfall. The next day we did sea kayaking among icebergs! They warned us not to get too close to icebergs as they can flip at any moment as the water warms them and most of an iceberg is invisible so you can't even tell how big they are. We nearly got flipped when we approached an iceberg the guide said looked "safe," lol. It was kinda awesome. After Valdez, we went to Wrangell St.-Elias national park. We stayed in super cute cabins and got to hike along the glacier. Our last stop was the Matanuska Glacier. We got to camp with a glacier view. In the morning we walked along the safe parts of the glacier.

My major takeaways from the trip: It was so so so nice to be mostly unplugged for a week. Everyone was super nice and fun, and we all engaged with each other and the scenery instead of staring at our phones and social media. It was relaxing. Alaska is huge and amazing and I will definitely be going back.

Springtime

It's been a while since I wrote. Things have been pretty busy, especially at work. I went to Los Angeles last month for spring break. It was my third time in California, but first time in Los Angeles. I loved it. The hiking there is amazing, you can't beat  the weather, and the ocean is just everything. I can't wait to go back.

I have been working to regain a positive mindset. With things at work being tough after spring break, I was falling into a pattern of complaining and negativity. The past week I have really been working on using my positive affirmations to change my mindset. I already see a difference. We're so close to the end of the school year. This Friday we have a rally downtown at the capital for school funding and our pension fund. The district made us take personal days in order to go, but so many people requested it that school for the kids has been cancelled! Education is the key to everything. One day I hope people in this country realize it.

I still am so grateful to have the opportunity to live here. I used to have to drive over an hour to get to any sort of nature preserve away from the city in Chicago and then it would just be grassland, which is fine, but not the challenge I want and need. Here I can drive 35 minutes to Boulder and have amazing views all around me. I need to remember when times are tough that what I have is what I have been dreaming of since I was 17.

Happy Spring everyone!

Hike on

What does hiking mean to me?
Every time I drive west and I see the mountains I feel a release of stress and a burst of joy. I know that I can escape my problems for a few hours and turn off my phone and just be. Work has been stressful lately. If I'm honest, most of the time I feel an undercurrent of stress in this profession. I feel pressure from having to do so many different things, most of which come with deadlines. I also feel an underlying pressure to always be on my toes and have the answer. Sometimes I don't have the answer right away, and that stresses me out. Sometimes I feel like what I'm doing doesn't matter. And sometimes I just straight up run out of patience. It can be hard to focus on the good after you have a tough day or week.

And so I go to the mountains every chance I get to refresh and escape. Hiking is also full of metaphors for life. You have to work hard for a great view. You can't give up. Even if your steps are small or you stumble, you have to keep going to reach the summit. You might be scared sometimes or unsure of how you're going to make it, but with support from the people you are with and with inner strength you can make it all the way. So I keep hiking on.

Colorado Love

I caught myself today thinking to myself, "I don't know if I could ever leave here." Living here has something that living in Chicago and KC didn't. I can leave my place every day and look out and see the mountains from home and from work. I can go out on the weekend, turn off my phone, and see beautiful things. I have a job that I really do love most of the time, even though it can be stressful. I work with some amazing people who really care about what they do.

In the month before I left Chicago, I would sometimes start crying so hard I would hyperventilate. I was terrified to leave the people I loved and the life I had made there. I became a different version of myself there and felt loved and accepted fully. I was so scared. Leaving a place you feel loved and accepted is scary because you can't know what new good things are waiting for you in the new place. All you know is that you are leaving a place you love and people you love.

And now here I am in a new place I already really do love. And never would've known it if I'd been to scared to try.

5 months

When you live far away from friends and family, you will probably always feel at least a little guilty for not being around more, or for not visiting longer, or for wanting to have gone out and started a new life somewhere else in the first place. Even though I know I have needed to do these things, it doesn't stop me from feeling a lot of complicated feelings about them. I have felt like I have abandoned people. I have felt as if I simultaneously will never stop belonging somewhere and also somehow don't belong there anymore at all. I have convinced myself that people will stop liking me because I'm not around all the time anymore and I left them. Crazy stuff. All of this can swirl around in your head leaving you confused and sometimes very upset. 

I feel better about my decision to move to Colorado as more time goes by. Pieces of my life that I didn't have in place before are falling into place, while other pieces I had in Chicago are still missing. I know I'll find them. It's just going to take more searching. 

Family and friends, please know that I love you more than words can ever express. I just had to follow my own path. I can't stand the idea of a life that has any "what ifs."

Fear

I used to let fear stop me from doing things. I used to be so much more shy than I am now, and when things scared me my automatic mode was to cry and panic and avoid to get out of things that terrified me. This started to change for me in college and after. Instead of letting fear stop me, I started to do things in spite of the fear. And the rewards have been huge.

I was scared to go present my research in Chicago. I went, I did well, and I found a new place I wanted to live. I was scared to apply to work at Philmont and do some things I had never done before. I had the most magical summer of my life. I was petrified to move my life to Chicago and start grad school. Look how that turned out. Throughout grad school I was constantly required to do things outside of my general comfort zone to learn the skills I would need to do my job. Each time I was frightened, but every time I did one of these skills, I was less scared the next time. During this career, I am constantly challenged to stand up and become more of a leader and trust my training. It is a little scary every time. I was frightened to travel to Amsterdam by myself for my first solo trip. I have never felt so alive.  I was more scared of moving to Colorado than I have been of anything. That must mean it was the right choice. My job here. Playing volleyball here. Meeting new people and trying to make more friends. It's SCARY. I feel my heart in my throat and my stomach churning some of the time because I am so scared. I sometimes just want to go back to where the job was easier, my routine was set, volleyball was comfortable, and everything was predictable. It would definitely be easier. But I wouldn't be growing.

I can do this. I am doing this.

No regrets

Sometimes I still feel like I'm here on a long vacation. I go on hikes and see amazing things and it's hard to realize I actually live here. I got my Colorado license and registration here this weekend. I am here now. It feels like I have been here forever and it's only been almost three months. It's like I stuck a volume of my life on a shelf and started to write a new one. The girl I became in Kansas City and Chicago is part of who I am now and always will be. And in five years, the girl I will become here will be someone new again.

I can so clearly picture my life and my home back in Chicago. I know exactly what I would be doing each and every day if I had never left. Familiarity is a comfort. But without growing and changing we can't be open to the new and possibly spectacular. There's a reason I am here now.

I still remember my very first hike in the mountains here. I was completely blown away. Something changed in me that day and that trip back when I was 17. I realized that the world is huge and amazing and full of possibilities. That's why I was open to moving to Chicago after I visited there and fell in love. That's why travel and adventure are the most important things to me in my life. Transition between who we are and who we are becoming is such an interesting process. I just want to keep living my life so that I can look back one day without any regrets.

Searching for my roots

I went to a chakra workshop today at a yoga studio. The chakras are energy centers in the body. The idea is an eastern idea that is linked to Jung's theories in the west as well. The idea is that these energy centers need to be balanced for us to be our truest selves. There are 7 chakras traditionally going from the root to the crown of the head.

The root chakra is definitely where I feel most out of balance at the moment. The root chakra is at he base of the spine and is our survival instinct. The idea is that we have to be secure in our roots in order to feel balanced. The teacher leading the workshop asked the question, "What is keeping me from being here and now?" I immediately connected with this question and had the answer come to me: I am having a hard time letting go of where I came from. I became who I am there, and I am struggling to move forward. Without roots we can't move forward and harness our power. For those familiar with Maslow, this relates really well to his hierarchy of needs. If we don't have the basics met, we have a hard time moving forward.

One area I feel strong in is the third chakra, manipura, which is our gut instinct and the source of transformation and liberation from fixed patterns. I have been able to take a leap and change my life several times in my life. One cool thing about the chakras is that one area isn't "better" than the others. We can feel set in some areas and unbalanced in others, and it can change based on what is happening in our lives at the moment.

This workshop was good for me spiritually. I love quieting the mind and getting a better understanding of myself. I also think it's kind of awesome how these ancient Eastern philosophies have been linked to modern psychology.

I finished the day with a short but gorgeous hike. Fall is freaking gorgeous here.

2 months

"...the truth is, even when we make self-honoring choices: like leaving jobs, relationships, churches, or even shifting how we show up in our lives, grief will come.

This does not mean you have made the wrong choice.

This does not mean you are weak or that you can’t trust yourself.

It means you are human.

It means you will need to make the choice of integrity even though it brings up discomfort, it means you’ll have to be honest, it means you will have access to and allow ALL emotions and move through them with acceptance.

Because Coming Alive is about being fully human.

And being human means getting messy, being awkward, admitting self-honoring choices might cost you your comfort for a time, and that grief, joy, light, dark, and contrast are all a part of it."

This article from Madison Hedlund really resonates with me. Moving to Colorado has not been easy for me. It started as soon as I accepted the job. I had doubts. I had fears. I had multiple bouts of crying and straight up panic. Thoughts I would have would be, "What sane person leaves a place they truly love and feel they belong for just a possibility?" I think I thought that this would be easy for me to do again because I had already done it once before. But this is a completely different situation at a completely different time in my life. It only makes sense it feels different too.

I have had incredible moments here. Moments when I stare at the mountains and can't believe how stupid beautiful they are.  Moments at my new job that make me remember why I wanted to go into this field in the first place.

These moments have been mixed with moments of sadness and feelings of loss, moments comparing things here to things there, and moments of extreme anxiety and pressure at work. I feel like it's been a roller coaster of feelings. And I was embarrassed to admit that this hasn't been easy, and that it has been hard for me. But that's reality. No matter what I gain here, I have still experienced a loss, and it's still appropriate to have moments of grief. I have to give myself time. In the meantime, I'll stare at the mountains.

The first two weeks

What's it like to move across the country by yourself for the second time? Let me try and put it into words. It's exhausting. It's exhilarating. Everything is new. The fact that everything is new is great and terrible. It's hopeful. It's sad. In the past two weeks, I have been feeling up and down an∂ uppppp uppp upp and then down down down.

I'm trying to find a new yoga studio, which has been a struggle. I'm working to find a volleyball league. I'd love to keep up dancing. I'm trying to make friends. I've unpacked and bought furniture and scrambled to pay all the bills.

I'm starting a new job that I am so incredible excited about. I am psyched and terrified. I want to do well so badly. I want to help kids and teachers and parents and am working to be confident that I  can do this.

It's overwhelming.

I have done some exploring and some hiking which gives me life.

I'm trying to remake parts of my life that I had let fall into sloppy or angry patterns. I'm trying to eat healthier. I'm trying to keep my apartment cleaner (*at least the kitchen!). I'm working on being a more calm driver.

So it's only natural that I'm going to have conflicting feelings. I know it's right that I'm here, and I'm excited for the possibilities, but I'm also sad and will feel a little left out by not being in Chicago anymore.

Staying in Chicago would have been the easy choice. But easy choices don't help you grow. So I'm ready for this roller coaster ride.

Friends

I know I've told a lot of people this, but in case you didn't know, I had the chance to move to Colorado four years ago. I was offered an internship in Grand Junction, Colorado an hour or two before I was offered an internship in Skokie. I ended up choosing to stay in Chicago because it just felt right. And if I hadn't done that, a lot of other things wouldn't have happened. Most importantly, I wouldn't have had the time to form deeper friendships with some of the people who I now know will be my friends for life. I have a good number of people who I know would be there for me no questions asked. That's incredible. There aren't words to express how much your friendship means to me. I hope you know. But just in case, here it is in blog form.

Thank you for helping me feel free to become my truest self and change and grow in so many ways. Thank you for accepting me at my best and at my worst, for being there for me to celebrate things and to be there for me when things weren't going well at all. Thank you for the friends' dinners, endless conversations, laughing fits, volleyball for hours on end, fireworks watching, baseball games, sushi and dancing nights, cookouts, and holidays. Thank you for being my family and home away from home.

I'm moving away to see what else is out there, to try to grow even more, to experience new things and meet new people, to challenge myself professionally, to climb some mountains, and to have no regrets. What if I had been too scared to leave Kansas City? I wouldn't have met any of you. And it is so amazing to know how many friends I can count on no matter the distance.

Many feelings

People keep asking me if I'm excited for my move to Colorado. I've started answering yes because people don't seem to like to hear the real answer. Here's the truth. You can know that something is the right move for you and be scared out of you mind. You can know that you have been thinking about this for years and still feel petrified and terribly sad to leave a place you call home. I can't be excited until I process all of my feelings. I love Chicago. I feel so at home here. It's such a wonderful and vibrant city, and I made a life here. And most of all, I have friends who I know that I can count on for anything. That is freaking priceless. So I'm moving with an open mind and heart not expecting to come back, but knowing that I can.

Amsterdam!

My trip to Amsterdam was incredible. I was a little nervous to go solo for the first time ever, but it ended up being amazing. I felt so present every moment. They bike everywhere! There are tram lanes, and space for cars, but bikes rule. Some of the highlights:

• The Anne Frank house tour--This was so moving and so well done. They give you audio guides so you can hear the whole story and move from room to room all the way up to their hiding spaces. It's amazing to think about how quiet they had to be, and that the church bells I heard ringing were the same ones Anne wrote about in her diary. 
• The Van Gogh museum--I have seen Van Gogh here and there over the years. But seeing over 100 of his works and learning about his life story was so cool. I especially loved the paintings he made towards the end of his life. You can see the things he was struggling with in his work.
• Biking--I went biking two times--in Leiden and near the tulip gardens. It was an adventure finding my own way and trying not to get lost and it was so nice to get away from crowds. And the flowers were amazing. 
• City walking tour--I did a guided tour of the city and learned a lot of cool things about the history of the city.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Ended the tour with some authentic dutch food and a Heineken of course.
• Honestly, just doing everything I normally do with someone else was a highlight. Eating at restaurants, going to museums and the orchestra, doing wine and cheese tasting, doing a canal cruise. It was all a lesson that no one gives a crap if you're alone. No one looked at me like I was a weirdo for being alone and it made me more present in each moment. That may be why my week away felt like much longer--because I was present the whole time. 

So go out and adventure! See the world. It is pretty damn cool.

This crazy thing called life

It's been a while since I've written. There's been a lot on my mind. I have been working on changing my mind set from fear-based negative thinking to one of openness, gratitude, and positivity. I actually do believe self-help books help if you're invested in changing. One of the reasons I have been actively working on changing my thoughts is because I have some major things happening or potentially happening in my life. I have my trip to Amsterdam in just under one month, which is so incredibly trippy. I'm so excited to have my first solo adventure. I also have to decide if now is the right time to make a big leap and move again. It would involve lots of trust and belief in myself. It would mean I would be taking on more responsibility and leadership in a different job, it would mean I would have to put myself out there again and make new friends and set up a new life and experiences somewhere else, and it would mean leaving something that is great and very very comfortable.

I have considered myself a bit of a reluctant leader for a while now. I never used to speak up in school even when I had something to contribute that would have really added to the conversation. I got stronger and stronger at this as time went on and have been made to take on more leadership through grad school and my job. I know I can still do more. I need to do more. I have always said that what I do has to make a difference. If what I do doesn't make a difference, what even is the point? So stay tuned. Who knows where life will go from here?