Sigh

Conflicting feelings.
There's something that made me really angry the last week and I can't go into details on here because you can't put things online that someone might find and get you in trouble. Suffice it to say, the powers that be have lied to me and all of us really, can have made life considerable more expensive and difficult. And I'm paying to let them do it. And I can't do or say anything at the risk of appearing unprofessional. Life really sucks sometimes. If you want more details, ask me via facebook or email. I'm ticked off and trying to just get over it because angry just makes life harder.

And off and on I've been getting really sad. When I think about Bonjour or Philmont or just missing family and friends, I get sad. I miss that amazing sense of community and support. My kids at Bonjour were so amazing and I just want to still be there for them. Yes, I know that I probably wouldn't have been with most of them anyway since the school closed, and yes, I know I was never going to be make any money doing what I was doing, but it doesn't mean I can't regret the fact that I can't be with them anymore. And Philmont--you almost shouldn't work at Philmont because of how much you will miss Philmont when you're not there.

I'm okay here. I'm just working to figure out how to remember the past without it causing me sadness.

Wow, I have been horrible at updating this!no

So much has happened since I updated and I have been amazingly busy and it's only going to get worse.

Since I updated last, I started a new job at Garfield Park, got assigned my practicum site at Swift Elementary, commuted for a year and a half to do testing at a high school in Elk Grove, and did a LOT more homework.

Also did some fun things too like go to the Lakeview East art fair, go to a fun bar in Wrigleyville, and go to the awesome amazing Museum of Science and Industry.

Not feeling homesick per se, it's more like I'm reflecting on how different home is from here and not different in a bad way. Knew I'd have to get away to see it more clearly. But life is just faster here and thus more stressful. Comparing it to the SLOW pace of Philmont doesn't help either. Sometimes I just wish everyone here would stop for one second--stop touching their phones, stop racing across the street before the light's even changed, stop slamming doors in people's faces rather than take the time to hold it open for them, stop honking their horns, just STOP. And think about how life is more than just getting to the next place. And I know I struggle with this a lot. I have a lot of trouble not doing something. That's why I miss yoga a lot too. I need to find a place that does it again and get some of my zen back.

Lessons Learned

For this story, let's reverse back to Saturday for a minute.

Saturday I had an amazing run with the running club--one of the members slowed down from his usual pace but kept with me the whole time at a higher speed than I usually run=amazingly hard but rewarding run. So then I went with them all to breakfast at Panera before deciding to go to the Lincoln Park green city market. I found my way to the farmer's market feeling a little proud of myself for making it to yet another new place. The market was really cool with all kinds of organic home-grown products and I got a few things.

So I decide to head back-without checking google maps thinking I'll just reverse what I did. So I hop the bus back the correct direction, get off at the correct stop, and then proceed to head the incorrect direction. Many minutes of walking and two buses, later I arrived home.

Lesson 1: Don't get cocky.

Fast forward to this morning. This morning I got out to the bus a few minutes later than usual so I missed the first 136 I usually take. I saw that the next wasn't for another 10 minutes so I decide to hop on a different numbered bus that goes to downtown. So...yeah, I figure out too late this bus doesn't run express like the other meaning it makes way more stops and then I realize I also don't know how close this bus runs to the school. So I stay on it, panicking slighty at first, and then a bit more. I decide to get off at the Wrigley Building downtown because I'm not sure where the bus goes and I know how to get to school from there. I have 10-11 minutes to make it to class which is more than half a mile away. I jog there all the way backpacking swinging awkwardly. I would have lost the whole backpack but luckily a lady was nice enough to inform me it was open! Thank God or I would've been late. I sprint in the building and catch the elevator and make it to class with one minute to spare, sweat dripping down my face.

Lesson 2: Never try a new route in the morning or when pressed for time.

The past week

I have been pretty busy so haven't written in a while. Heather came to visit last weekend which was so much fun! We went and explored Chinatown which has a bunch of cool shops and restaurants. We shared fried rice and crab rangoon and we each got these super sweet fruit smoothies that we thought were the best things ever but then were way too sweet. ;)

I bought some cool paper lanterns too.

We also went and walked around Millennium Park and did some shopping at some discount stores on State Street. And we had amazing Lucky's before just hanging out with some wine and homemade chocolate dipped cherries and pretzels. YUM.

Walking through Wrigleyville made me realize that I have it pretty good. I don't feel the need to go drink and party every night and hang out with people making crude and sexual comments all night to have a good time. Now I know not everyone there does that every night and has those kind of issues, but let's face it--a lot of them do. And that's just kind of sad.

Anyway, Heather and I had a blast. The rest of y'all need to visit. Now, back to homework, maybe. I'll tell you about the rest of the week later.

How lucky am I?

I like to stop sometimes I reflect back on things that have happened in that past. I know I've written a little about it before on facebook and it gets so frustrating when I can't put it into words, but I keep trying because they're such big feelings.

This past summer I had the absolute best time of my life. It's hard for me to explain it to people who weren't there. Philmont changes you and makes you a better more complete person. The first few days I was there I was very homesick and the wind was keeping me up and it sounded like someone was trying to tear down the tent and I just wanted to leave. And then, suddenly, within a week or so, I never wanted to leave. There's something about simplifying life and getting down to what really matters that just puts your life back on track and into perspective. We don't need all this crap that we think we do. We don't need televisions and designer clothes and ice cubes in our water. We don't need our own personal bathrooms or air conditioning or doors for crying out loud. We don't need beds that are king size and fluffy and all of our movies and knick knacks.

All we need is nature and each other and connection. Connection with one another, connection with strangers who we might only know for a day or a week, and connection with nature and God. I never feel more alive than when I'm hiking, especially when I'm summiting a peak. Knowing that I am doing it. I am making the choice to keep going and not stop even though it's hard until I reach the top.

Philmont made me go further outside of myself than I ever have before too. I had never sang camp songs before or played silly games like we played there. I had never shot a bow and arrow or gun. I had never made home made silly putty or chalk. I had never led a group of hikers by myself. I had never summited a mountain. I did all these things and more and it has made me so much more confident in myself I can't even express it.

I don't think I would feel as comfortable as I do now in Chicago if it hadn't been for Philmont. Philmont made me see that it's okay to be uncomfortable at first--things will get better. Situations that are hard at first may turn out to be the most amazing experiences. Take a chance. Take a risk. The bigger the risk, the bigger the reward.

Now, I don't know if I'll get to return to Philmont any time soon, but I believe I will be back there some day. But no matter what, Philmont changed me forever and I will be forever grateful.