Colorado Love

I caught myself today thinking to myself, "I don't know if I could ever leave here." Living here has something that living in Chicago and KC didn't. I can leave my place every day and look out and see the mountains from home and from work. I can go out on the weekend, turn off my phone, and see beautiful things. I have a job that I really do love most of the time, even though it can be stressful. I work with some amazing people who really care about what they do.

In the month before I left Chicago, I would sometimes start crying so hard I would hyperventilate. I was terrified to leave the people I loved and the life I had made there. I became a different version of myself there and felt loved and accepted fully. I was so scared. Leaving a place you feel loved and accepted is scary because you can't know what new good things are waiting for you in the new place. All you know is that you are leaving a place you love and people you love.

And now here I am in a new place I already really do love. And never would've known it if I'd been to scared to try.

5 months

When you live far away from friends and family, you will probably always feel at least a little guilty for not being around more, or for not visiting longer, or for wanting to have gone out and started a new life somewhere else in the first place. Even though I know I have needed to do these things, it doesn't stop me from feeling a lot of complicated feelings about them. I have felt like I have abandoned people. I have felt as if I simultaneously will never stop belonging somewhere and also somehow don't belong there anymore at all. I have convinced myself that people will stop liking me because I'm not around all the time anymore and I left them. Crazy stuff. All of this can swirl around in your head leaving you confused and sometimes very upset. 

I feel better about my decision to move to Colorado as more time goes by. Pieces of my life that I didn't have in place before are falling into place, while other pieces I had in Chicago are still missing. I know I'll find them. It's just going to take more searching. 

Family and friends, please know that I love you more than words can ever express. I just had to follow my own path. I can't stand the idea of a life that has any "what ifs."

Fear

I used to let fear stop me from doing things. I used to be so much more shy than I am now, and when things scared me my automatic mode was to cry and panic and avoid to get out of things that terrified me. This started to change for me in college and after. Instead of letting fear stop me, I started to do things in spite of the fear. And the rewards have been huge.

I was scared to go present my research in Chicago. I went, I did well, and I found a new place I wanted to live. I was scared to apply to work at Philmont and do some things I had never done before. I had the most magical summer of my life. I was petrified to move my life to Chicago and start grad school. Look how that turned out. Throughout grad school I was constantly required to do things outside of my general comfort zone to learn the skills I would need to do my job. Each time I was frightened, but every time I did one of these skills, I was less scared the next time. During this career, I am constantly challenged to stand up and become more of a leader and trust my training. It is a little scary every time. I was frightened to travel to Amsterdam by myself for my first solo trip. I have never felt so alive.  I was more scared of moving to Colorado than I have been of anything. That must mean it was the right choice. My job here. Playing volleyball here. Meeting new people and trying to make more friends. It's SCARY. I feel my heart in my throat and my stomach churning some of the time because I am so scared. I sometimes just want to go back to where the job was easier, my routine was set, volleyball was comfortable, and everything was predictable. It would definitely be easier. But I wouldn't be growing.

I can do this. I am doing this.

No regrets

Sometimes I still feel like I'm here on a long vacation. I go on hikes and see amazing things and it's hard to realize I actually live here. I got my Colorado license and registration here this weekend. I am here now. It feels like I have been here forever and it's only been almost three months. It's like I stuck a volume of my life on a shelf and started to write a new one. The girl I became in Kansas City and Chicago is part of who I am now and always will be. And in five years, the girl I will become here will be someone new again.

I can so clearly picture my life and my home back in Chicago. I know exactly what I would be doing each and every day if I had never left. Familiarity is a comfort. But without growing and changing we can't be open to the new and possibly spectacular. There's a reason I am here now.

I still remember my very first hike in the mountains here. I was completely blown away. Something changed in me that day and that trip back when I was 17. I realized that the world is huge and amazing and full of possibilities. That's why I was open to moving to Chicago after I visited there and fell in love. That's why travel and adventure are the most important things to me in my life. Transition between who we are and who we are becoming is such an interesting process. I just want to keep living my life so that I can look back one day without any regrets.

Searching for my roots

I went to a chakra workshop today at a yoga studio. The chakras are energy centers in the body. The idea is an eastern idea that is linked to Jung's theories in the west as well. The idea is that these energy centers need to be balanced for us to be our truest selves. There are 7 chakras traditionally going from the root to the crown of the head.

The root chakra is definitely where I feel most out of balance at the moment. The root chakra is at he base of the spine and is our survival instinct. The idea is that we have to be secure in our roots in order to feel balanced. The teacher leading the workshop asked the question, "What is keeping me from being here and now?" I immediately connected with this question and had the answer come to me: I am having a hard time letting go of where I came from. I became who I am there, and I am struggling to move forward. Without roots we can't move forward and harness our power. For those familiar with Maslow, this relates really well to his hierarchy of needs. If we don't have the basics met, we have a hard time moving forward.

One area I feel strong in is the third chakra, manipura, which is our gut instinct and the source of transformation and liberation from fixed patterns. I have been able to take a leap and change my life several times in my life. One cool thing about the chakras is that one area isn't "better" than the others. We can feel set in some areas and unbalanced in others, and it can change based on what is happening in our lives at the moment.

This workshop was good for me spiritually. I love quieting the mind and getting a better understanding of myself. I also think it's kind of awesome how these ancient Eastern philosophies have been linked to modern psychology.

I finished the day with a short but gorgeous hike. Fall is freaking gorgeous here.

2 months

"...the truth is, even when we make self-honoring choices: like leaving jobs, relationships, churches, or even shifting how we show up in our lives, grief will come.

This does not mean you have made the wrong choice.

This does not mean you are weak or that you can’t trust yourself.

It means you are human.

It means you will need to make the choice of integrity even though it brings up discomfort, it means you’ll have to be honest, it means you will have access to and allow ALL emotions and move through them with acceptance.

Because Coming Alive is about being fully human.

And being human means getting messy, being awkward, admitting self-honoring choices might cost you your comfort for a time, and that grief, joy, light, dark, and contrast are all a part of it."

This article from Madison Hedlund really resonates with me. Moving to Colorado has not been easy for me. It started as soon as I accepted the job. I had doubts. I had fears. I had multiple bouts of crying and straight up panic. Thoughts I would have would be, "What sane person leaves a place they truly love and feel they belong for just a possibility?" I think I thought that this would be easy for me to do again because I had already done it once before. But this is a completely different situation at a completely different time in my life. It only makes sense it feels different too.

I have had incredible moments here. Moments when I stare at the mountains and can't believe how stupid beautiful they are.  Moments at my new job that make me remember why I wanted to go into this field in the first place.

These moments have been mixed with moments of sadness and feelings of loss, moments comparing things here to things there, and moments of extreme anxiety and pressure at work. I feel like it's been a roller coaster of feelings. And I was embarrassed to admit that this hasn't been easy, and that it has been hard for me. But that's reality. No matter what I gain here, I have still experienced a loss, and it's still appropriate to have moments of grief. I have to give myself time. In the meantime, I'll stare at the mountains.

The first two weeks

What's it like to move across the country by yourself for the second time? Let me try and put it into words. It's exhausting. It's exhilarating. Everything is new. The fact that everything is new is great and terrible. It's hopeful. It's sad. In the past two weeks, I have been feeling up and down an∂ uppppp uppp upp and then down down down.

I'm trying to find a new yoga studio, which has been a struggle. I'm working to find a volleyball league. I'd love to keep up dancing. I'm trying to make friends. I've unpacked and bought furniture and scrambled to pay all the bills.

I'm starting a new job that I am so incredible excited about. I am psyched and terrified. I want to do well so badly. I want to help kids and teachers and parents and am working to be confident that I  can do this.

It's overwhelming.

I have done some exploring and some hiking which gives me life.

I'm trying to remake parts of my life that I had let fall into sloppy or angry patterns. I'm trying to eat healthier. I'm trying to keep my apartment cleaner (*at least the kitchen!). I'm working on being a more calm driver.

So it's only natural that I'm going to have conflicting feelings. I know it's right that I'm here, and I'm excited for the possibilities, but I'm also sad and will feel a little left out by not being in Chicago anymore.

Staying in Chicago would have been the easy choice. But easy choices don't help you grow. So I'm ready for this roller coaster ride.