The Present

Sometimes if I look around and stop thinking about myself for one second (hard, I know) I feel really existential. This happens to be sometimes in the Merchandise Mart watching people come and go and live their lives, and also sometimes in the L stations watching people enter and exit the turnstiles. I just think, what is everyone doing? Where is everyone going? What's the point to all this really? I try not to dwell on it for too long because (a) I'm too self-centered and (b) It's pretty overwhelming.

Another thought I've had: I think that sometimes I spend too much of my time looking back to my many wonderful memories and also looking ahead to what I hope are more amazing things. I wonder, am I ignoring the "now?" It's just, these things in my past shaped me and made me who I am. They meant the world to me so I can't stop thinking about them. I think about Philmont most days at some point and the West and what an amazing time I had there and how I want to live there some day. I make wishes and visionboards and pin things to pinterest all about my "someday" kind of life, which is great because you have to have dreams and clear visions to make the life you want a reality, but how do I make sure that I'm not neglecting the present?

Nature!!!!

Went to my newly discovered most favorite place in Chicago Wednesday: The Lincoln Park Conservatory.

My leg has been bugging me so I decided to see how long it take to

walk there. Answer: 45-50 minutes. The conservatory is absolutely gorgeous. Outside, there are some beautiful pines, and if you squint and look at a very specific spot, you can fool yourself into thinking you're seeing mountain scenery. Well, and if you use your imagination.

The conservatory is really warm inside, because duh! it's a greenhouse (btw, just learned about the greenhouse effect this week in my 4th grade classroom-it all makes so much more sense now!), and it smells wonderful. The main entrance room is full of beautiful palm trees and ferns and some exotic flowers and plants, including bananas!

The second room is the fern room. It's full of really old types of plants that covered the landscape when the dinosaurs were around. They even have some cute little plastic dinosaurs hidden in the ferns.

The third room is wonderful. The orchid room is filled with many different types of beautiful orchids. There's also a koi pond and beautiful statue.

The final room is a burst of color. Beautiful purples and pinks everywhere. It's a little cooler in there and there are benches. I just sat there for a few minutes in silence until some more people came in.

Wonderful.

And the best part? It's free!

Side note: On my walk to the conservatory, I happened upon a beautiful little trail alongside a pond full of ducks and geese. It was a nature preserve area. So beautiful in the midst of the city.

The haps

Just watched While you were sleeping at Heather's recommendation. It was set in Chicago which is super exciting! I seriously love Sandra Bullock.

I've been so super busy every since I got back to Chicago over a month ago. Classes have been pretty insane, especially Observation and Measurement where we have to design and implement a reading intervention and Intellectual Assessment just because I've had to find kids to test and find 2 hour blocks of time to test them. Luckily, spring break is in 3 weeks and I get to go home for a bit. I'm excited to go back and excited to see one of my all-time favorite authors Jodi Picoult. I've been reading her books since I was 15 and they're always amazing.

Had a great time when Heather and Ashley visited last weekend. We got to do some sightseeing int he freezing cold weather and I got to go to the Lincoln Park zoo and the conservatory for the first time. The conservatory is amazing. So beautiful and peaceful. When it gets warmer, I plan on running down to it.

Well that's what's been going on here.

Later.

Philmont here's to thee

I'm not really sure why I opened this blog to write. I opened actually to look over some of the things I had written about Philmont last fall. Now's about the time I was accepted last year and now would be the time I would be accepted this year, except for the fact that I couldn't even apply because I have classes this summer.

Now I know it wouldn't be the same because Bethany won't be there and maybe Lisa won't be either. But a lot of other people will be, and Philmont is just amazing as is. I still listen to songs from this past summer to help me think back to being there. It never ceases to make me feel calm and at peace.

I miss almost everything about it. I miss my friends so much, I miss the summer air and the wind and the feel of the West. I miss the beautiful sunsets that I could just stare at forever. I miss singing those stupid songs that you can't get out of your head. I really miss singing the Philmont hymn with everyone. I miss the mountains and the smell of the Ponderosa Pines. I will admit I also miss peeing in the woods. ;)

I hope to take a road trip out west in August to Colorado and at some point I want to make my way back to Cimarron and see everyone. Maybe I can come on a Friday or Sunday and see program and sing the Philmont hymn again.

After all, I know I'll be back. I looked back and saw the arrowhead. ;)

One of those days.

I need to go to bed early tonight.

Today was just one of those days.

Went to Itaza for the second day of the ISPA conference (Illinois school psychologist association). The lectures were really informative and good to hear, but I have been so exhausted this week that it was a bit of a struggle to pay complete attention. I haven't been sleeping the best this past week. It's also hard to readjust to the daily grind after vacation. I also think I'm having to readjust to being away from home and from everyone I love. It's hard being away on days when things are getting to you and you just want to look around and see someone you love and who loves you back rather than all these stupid strangers around you who couldn't care less about you.

And the snow and cold are total bummers too.

So I was walking around today feeling completely out of it and I'm going to be honest, pretty much hating every single person I saw for no reason. I love Chicago except on days when I feel like this. On those kind of days, I hate everything about Chicago. I hate the dirty stupid bus, I hate bums begging me for money more than usual, I hate people who walk slow, I hate people who honk, I hate people who get in my way, I hate the dirty stinking snow, I hate weird guys who look at you funny in Target, I hate the high prices.

And my computer cord is all chewed up by the cats and I went to apple and they tell me my appointment was cancelled because I was a little late. I have to take time out of my life to go again tomorrow and hope I can get a cord for free.

Thank God for a good run. And now I need a good night's sleep.

"I'd rather be weird and happy than normal and miserable" (Susane Colasanti)

Ugh. I'm headed back to Chicago in a few hours.

I know I need to go back and I sort of want to go back, but I don't want to leave everyone here! This sucks! I know that moving on is just part of life and it's how things are but why can't everyone I love be in one place? I just thank God for all the great communication tools we have now. I feel so much closer to everyone thanks to facebook and ims.

This break was amazing! The trip to Florida was even more amazing than I had hoped. Harry Potter is so freaking awesome, and the beach was divine. Disney always rules too. Christmas was great too!

I got to see so many awesome people and I'll try to list them: Mom, Dad, Sara, Catherine, Matthew, Simon, Jacqueline, Ciara, Renita, Chandler, Chris, Julie, Mike, Adam, Krista, Pat, Sandy, Michael, Ian, Chase, Devin, a few of my kindergarten crew, Crista, Mapi, Reina, Elaine, Tyler, Amanda, Grandma, Grandpa, COUSINS including Tony, Ben, Natalie, Daniel, Bethany and all the rest of you lovely family members, Aunt Cheryl, Uncle David, Adam, Dana and I really hope I'm not forgetting anyone!

Thanks for a great visit and now on to tackle this semester!

See you all soon!

Love,

Rachel

Waxing ridiculous

You know what's fun and really pointless? Thinking back on your past and your decisions and reflecting on where you are and where you'd be if you'd made different choices. It's pointless because obviously we can't change it now, but it's fun to think about how interconnected everything is. Pretty trippy. Like just start with this one--What if I hadn't gone to Rockhurst?

Well, I wouldn't have met Heather, Casey, or Jacqueline, among many other people. I wouldn't have majored in Psychology in all likelihood or at least may not have been as inspired by it as I was due to Dr. Nicolai. I wouldn't have Simon. I wouldn't have gone to Disney World twice by now or probably at all. I wouldn't have had the career services people to point me to Crittenton for a job which in turn led me to pursue Bonjour which in turn inspired me to school psych so I probably wouldn't be in Chicago either. Also, if I wasn't at RU, I wouldn't have gone to MPA in Chicago either, which is when I first started dreaming of living there. If I hadn't met Heather, I also wouldn't be who I am today. College might have totally sucked. Jeez, weird stuff. Man, am I happy I went to Rockhurst. Even if I am in mounds of debt.

It's also strange to think back to yourself as a child or teenager and see the differences between that self and the you that is you now. Like tonight, I was thinking about myself at age 14, when I graduated 8th grade. 10 and a half years ago. I was 4 inches shorter, much chubbier, had bangs, hair to my waist, and glasses, and that's just the physical differences! I was much more shy and quiet and unsure, I could barely stammer out words when meeting new people, I had few close friends, I was much more black and white in my thinking (thought just like mom and dad), I thought people who ran were messed up in the head, and I'm sure I felt misunderstood. :) Now I'm so much more confident, I go for what I want, I'm living pretty much on my own in Chicago, I can't imagine not being physically active, and I have friends and people who care about me all over the country.

I'm liking this whole period of my life right now. Intimacy vs. isolation for the win! ;) Erickson nerd points.