Snowed in

I thought now would be a good time to write since I've been snowed in all day. We got hit with a major snowstorm and got over a foot of snow. I saw the forecast Sunday and changed my flight home to Thursday morning, which was totally the right call since my original flight this morning was cancelled last night.

Since I last wrote in August, I have had some major ups and downs related to work. I started off this year putting a ton of pressure on myself. My caseload has tripled in 3 years and our overall student population has increased by more than 200 students. I have always been a bit of a perfectionist, so feeling like I'm not doing an A+ job in every area of the job really was dragging me down. I have been dealing with burnout. I ended up getting super sick at the end of October with a couple of different illnesses and ended up taking time off for that and because of a snow day. After that, I realized something had to give, and have been working really hard in changing my mindset a bit. I have been trying to wake up each day and think of two things I am grateful for. And during the work day, I am trying to do more of "taking things as they come." This is what mindfulness is about. I'm trying to complain less, and do more of accepting things as they are. I am trying to reframe "being bothered," as "Someone needs me to try and help them." This is not an easy task, because as a school psychologist you are pulled in 8,000 directions.

For example job duties may include: testing, assessment planning and scoring, report and IEP writing, observations, functional behavior assessments and behavior plans, IEP and evaluation and 504 meetings, consultation with teachers, push in support for behaviors and time on task, counseling, crisis response, team meetings, transfer paperwork, answering phone calls and emails....and more.

It's a lot. It's impossible to do it all perfectly. I am trying to learn to be okay with it. I love my coworkers and a lot about my school and want to be able to stick it out. Last Friday we went out as a school for apps and drinks and then got to play laser tag at the school in the dark! It reminded me of how much I love and appreciate my coworkers.

And now it's break time for Thanksgiving. Just have to make one final push before Christmas break.
Here's hoping the mental shift continues to work wonders!

Life changes 2019

Funnily enough, I titled a blog post about one year ago the same thing. Life changes a lot in just a year.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever know where I belong. Is there just one place? The older I get, the less I think so. I keep being mentally drawn back to Australia. But also Paris. But also Chicago. And even Kansas City because of my family. I don't know that there is a next place in the US that I want to live, but there are several places in other countries I think it would be fun to try one day. It's so funny to me how some people can be so happy just staying in one place and some people never want to stop moving on.

There's a lot I love about Colorado, but I have had some hard moments, especially over the last year. I try to remind myself that the hard moments would have come, some just in a different form, if I lived somewhere else. Also, hard times happen in life. Doesn't make it any easier. I've been doing a ton of reflecting through everything which is definitely helping. I feel like my 20s were a lot about me changing and evolving and getting my own world views and friendships unrelated to my childhood. I learned so many new things and met so many different people that between 18-28 I became a new version of myself. But nobody warned me that my 30s would be so hard. I feel like everyone is getting into long term relationships, getting engaged and married, moving into houses, or having kids. And since I'm not falling into that group, I feel kind of like the odd one out. It does help having some other friends in the same situation, but man, society keeps making me feel like a weirdo.

Right now, the most important goals that I have revolve around getting to continue to travel. Travel is what I live for, and what I work so hard to save money for. It feels like there are endless possibilities out there. One thing I don't ever want to happen to me is to have a boring life.

So I'm going to continue to question and reflect and try to listen to what my intuition tells me is next. Who knows? I definitely don't.

Fear and Solo Travel

I haven't written on here in a long time. There have been some things going on in my personal life that were not so happy, and I don't like to write and post things online and be inauthentic. But I would like to share about my recent travels and some of the things that they have taught me.

But first, let's talk a little about fear. Fear is the feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I'm unsure how something is going to turn out. It's essentially either a lack of confidence in myself or in more serious situations, it's all about not knowing what is going to happen next. I feel this fear in my daily life when I'm lacking confidence at work or trying something new, like when I joined the social sports leagues in Chicago, or when I moved to Chicago and Denver not knowing a soul. I feel this fear traveling when I am packing and get to the airport, and again if I'm somewhere where the main language isn't English, and again when I started learning to dine alone or go to bars alone. Recently I felt this feeling in the pit of my stomach when I went to go play drop in volleyball for the first time in nine months.

How do I deal with this fear? I push through and do the thing I am scared of anyway. And each time I can then draw back on the past times I did this and see how it all turned out. Often, it turns out that pushing past the fear led to something great. And if I'm nervous in the meantime, I tell myself that the worst that can happen is that I go do something I'm scared of, stay for a little, and then leave and go back to my comforts.

In March, I traveled to London and Paris for the second time ever and first time alone. In June, I traveled to Australia solo. I really enjoy solo travel. It's fun to travel with a friend because you can sometimes party harder and you have someone to watch your back, but it's so lovely to travel by yourself. You can eat and sleep on your own schedule, spend your money and time entirely how you want, and you open yourself up to having discussions with and meeting people you may not have otherwise met.

In Paris, I had to be brave each time I went to buy coffee or have a meal or ask anyone anything. I had to assume they didn't speak English and I had to use the few French phrases I know to ask them if they spoke English. Many spurts of bravery multiple times each day. Each time I travel solo I push myself further. This last trip to Australia, I decided I wanted to go to a bar where a girl I had met on a tour said there would be a great view of downtown Sydney. I had never been to a bar abroad by myself. I walked in, ordered, saw a table with two girls and extra space, and asked if I could join them. They said yes and we had a lovely conversation. Then they said goodbye and a new group came and I invited them to join me and introduced myself again. I normally would never do this back home. Traveling solo makes me realize that the person I want to be is already inside of me. She is RIGHT THERE, stuck underneath the fear and insecurity and belief that she is not an extrovert.

Just because I know these things, does not mean that it is easy for me to try new things and go out and meet new people. Sometimes I just want to stay home alone and snuggle my cats and not feel that uneasy feeling in my stomach of the unknown. But the more I do these things that scare me, the easier it does get. And solo travel is a huge part of this.

Next destination for me? Who knows? 3 continents down, 4 to go!