New Year, New Joy

I have no idea what I want next in my life in terms of the big picture. I have no freaking clue if I want to stay in Chicago or move to Colorado. I have no idea if I want to stay at my job or find a new one. I have no freaking clue. I know that I would be happy here and likely would be happy there. But change is always such a gamble. And how do you know if you even need to make a change? Chicago was such a clear choice. Why can't all my decisions be so easy as the decision was to come here?

Here's what I do know. I want to keep traveling and exploring and expanding my worldview. I'm going to go to Seattle to see my friend in June. I want to see the national parks up there, hike, drink wine, and see the beautiful Pacific Northwest. I'm going to go home for a long weekend after my future nephew is born, which I couldn't be more excited about. I want so so so badly to do my first solo trip where I know no one to Ireland. This is what I'm passionate about. If someone would pay me to travel the world, hike, try new things, and meet new people while somehow making a difference, damn--I would have found my absolute dream job. And if it would somehow allow me to keep my cats, that would rule.

This year had its challenges with my health, with car repairs and car accidents, and unexpected expenses. But this year I also accomplished the biggest goal of my life so far. I traveled to Europe and saw London, Paris, and Venice, Florence, Siena, and Rome. And even though half of that was with one good eye, I am so lucky to have had that opportunity. I cannot explain to you how I felt during that trip, especially before my eye issue, but I can try. Have you ever felt those flashes like anything is possible in a moment? That you're so happy and confident and full of joy in a single moment? Because that happened over and over and over. I remember walking through the streets of London late at night with Dominique thinking, "So this is what it's like to be completely free." And I made that happen. You can make your dreams come true. And I plan to continue to do that in 2017.

As far as goals and plans for next year, I just want to be at my healthiest again. I want to learn to take care of my body with the right nutrition and push myself to try new workouts. I want to learn to be more generous and financially smart. I need to come from a place of gratitude rather than a feeling of lack. And I want to travel somewhere new on my own. So here's to another beautiful year that will have it's challenges, but will also be full of new experiences, friends, and joy.

Thoughts after this election

Watching the election results Tuesday night was like a waking nightmare. I could feel my heart sinking with each new announcement for Trump. I ended up crying and being too anxious to sleep for a while. I woke up twice and had a hard time getting back to sleep.  The idea that someone who has run on the platform of such hate towards so many becoming the president of our country is very upsetting. The idea that so many people don't care about the things he has said and done because he says he anti-abortion or because he claims he can help their economic problems is just as upsetting. Here's the thing: it's easy to brush things that he said under the rug if they don't affect you. So for example if you're a white Christian male, or even white Christian female who believe that being pro-life is all that matters, it won't bother you that he said he can "grab women by the pussy," or that he wants to build a wall between U.S. and Mexico, or that he said he wants to deport Muslims. It won't bother you that there is talk of him appointing a Creationist as Secretary of Education. It won't upset you that his hate speech and anti-woman speech and actions have made hateful people feel it is more acceptable to openly show their hate. Or at least it didn't upset you enough to not vote for him. It also won't bother you that he denies climate change because you probably also don't believe it exists despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

Here's the thing. I was raised in a very isolated manner surrounded by people who looked like me, thought like me, and told me what to believe. It wasn't until I traveled to Colorado at age 17 and then Chicago at age 21 that I realized how much more was truly out there. I had wanted to see the world in a vague sense before then, but I had never been motivated to try something new. College began to expand my worldview by introducing me to friends and people who had been raised differently than me. My classes in psychology, which yes, is a science, showed me that homosexuality is not a choice and helped me understand the human psyche. I moved to Chicago and got my degree in school psychology and my worldview expanded even more. Chicago is a beautiful city that has its issues for sure with gang violence and racial tensions and divide, but I am so proud to live here as it is also a city that is incredibly open and inclusive.  For the first time in my life, I was living in a city where you can feel free to 100% be who you truly are without fear. I see men who love men, women who love women, and women and men who love one another who are free to express that. There are religious and non-religious. There are spiritual people and atheists. All of this combined with how I was raised have made me who I am and have made me more able to see and understand both sides of many issues. 

I have also become a feminist and am becoming more and more so every day. In case you weren't yet aware, being a feminist simply means you believe men and women are equal and deserve the same rights and opportunities. It is not our right to determine what a woman can and cannot do to her body because it may compromise with someone's moral beliefs.  It is not anyone's right to try to defund Planned Parenthood, an organization which provides free or reduced medical care to so many people who otherwise wouldn't be able to afford it. It it not our right to try to make a grieving woman or woman who simply chose for herself what was right be shamed for making a choice. Think twice before you dehumanize a woman who needs a late-term abortion for medical reasons. Think twice before you tell a rape victim that she should suck it up and be pregnant for nine months and then give birth to that baby. Do not think it is okay to shame a woman for her sexual experience or inexperience. I will also not accept a man who has admitted to sexually assaulting women as my president. And shame on you if you are more willing to believe that a group of women collaborated to make up these stories before you're willing to believe Donald Trump assaulted these women even after you heard it on tape. Women and men deserve equal rights and respect, period. 

I know why some people who are Catholic voted for Trump even though the Pope himself stated his lack of support. They vote on one issue often, and one issue only, and that is whether or not a candidate is pro-life. I completely understand as I used to believe the same way. I used to also think in such black and white terms before I knew the whole story. I believed a lot of things blindly, out of fear, out of shame, and because I didn't know another way. All of this is complicated by the fact that I was privileged to receive a great education through the Catholic school system. So I have had to wrestle with doubt, shame, fear, guilt, cognitive dissonance, and now anger while moving from one side to another. I am grateful to have had parents who cared so much for me and who taught me good morals and who sacrificed to give me a good education. I am grateful to have been allowed the freedom to grow and get this education so that I could learn to form my own opinions. It is okay to no longer believe the same things as your parents. It is okay to be angry and feel that you were brainwashed too. I have dealt with all of these feelings. But I am so so grateful to now be able to see so many different perspectives now. It is a rare thing. And I promise to no longer be silent about things that matter. I will stand with those who are oppressed. It is my responsibility.

Happy Halloween!

I had such a great time having friends over for a Halloween party last weekend. I hadn't seen everyone in a while so it was so nice to celebrate Halloween and the Cubs and Indians in the World Series. Having friends that are so great make it hard to imagine maybe not being here this time next year. But that's sort of the plan right now. I can always change my mind, but I have Colorado on the brain and have ever since getting back from Europe. I want to be able to hike every weekend and see mountains in the distance. I want to see the aspen trees turn gold in person. I obviously know that it won't make all of life's problems go away, but it's something I would regret if I didn't try it out.
So we shall see what happens in the next few months. Meanwhile, it's been so unusually warm that it doesn't feel like Thanksgiving is just in a few weeks. I'll take it. I know that winter will last a a long time once it starts. Looking forward to seeing family in a few weeks!

I can see!

It's been almost four months since I started suddenly losing vision in my right eye while walking through the streets of Venice. I am finally seeing almost as well as possible again. They're still working on getting my prescription just right, but after 3.5 months of seeing partially and blurrily and through old glasses, I finally am seeing the world around me as it is. I'm waiting to see how the medical billing works out, but I am so grateful to the doctors and nurses in Italy for saving my vision. I'm so grateful to Rachel for being there for me and with me and giving up time from our trip to be with me as I was scared out of my mind. I try not to think too much about those few days because it was terrifying and intensely vulnerable. But it taught me so much and showed me human kindness. I remember the man who had had a similar thing happen who realized I spoke English and started talking to me in English as we waited. I was so grateful to have someone to talk to in my own language. I remember the Italian woman who saw me break down crying because I didn't know how to check in to be seen and who found an English speaking doctor for me. I remember the kind receptionist who took extra time and helped me with the help of google translate. There was the kind and competent surgeon who made me laugh before surgery when I was so anxious I could barely stand it.

There is so much love in the world and so much good. I am so thankful to have my vision again. I will never take my health for granted. So thank you to everyone involved and grazie bella Italia!

The last few months have been challenging. I had a retina detachment in June and lately have been very sick for several weeks with the worst sore throat I have every had. I'm finally feeling better. I have had doctors tell me to take time off from volleyball. I have had to stay home and rest instead of going out and being with friends. I have had to find my way back into volleyball and yoga two times now. Yoga is wonderful because although it is very frustrating to have my progress stalled, it is about more than just the physical postures. It's about learning to listen to your body and be where you are.

It's been difficult to learn to adjust to playing volleyball with one good eye. It can be disappointing to not be as capable.  My eye doctor told me that I am still at high risk for this happening to me again. There's nothing I can do to prevent it, so I'm going to keep living my life and doing the things I love.

I have been physically and emotionally challenged the last few months, but I am so grateful for my health overall. I finally am feeling like myself again. So here's to a great September and even better October.

The Present Moment

In each of the places I went during my trip to Europe, there were certain moments that were just perfect. One of the wonderful things about my trip was the feeling of just being present in moments. Not worrying about things in the past or things in the future. Just being present and feeling each moment. So here are some of these from the places we went to:

London:

• sitting in OXO Tower for not your afternoon tea and remembering the moment I had booked the reservation and realizing it was happening.
• dropping into a random house party and asking to use their bathroom. Which they were totally cool with!
• driving over the Tower Bridge on the way back from an amazing night out.

Paris:

• an accordion player playing La Vie in Rose on the Metro
• sitting on the steps of the Sacre Couer
• being overwhelmed with emotion in the Notre Dame
• seeing the sun streaming through the stained glass of the St. Chapelle and feeling my heart pounding it was so beautiful.
• having an absolute blast with a group of guys from Wales at a bar one night
• dancing the night away at an Irish bar by the Moulin Rouge
• Looking out at the view from the little balcony at our air bnb.
• partying with the Irish at lunch by the Eiffel Tower

Venice

• seeing the canals for the first time and realizing that Venice looks EXACTLY like all the pictures.
• sitting by one of the smaller canals, eating apertivo and writing postcards
• ordering my first cappucino in Italian at the bar and having no clue what I was really doing.

Florence

• happening upon a beautiful opera singer and an accordion player and just sitting and listening.
• eating one of the most delicious meals of my life. Pesto gniocci and steak.

Siena

• Sitting in the piazza and writing in my little travel journal
• sitting on one of the city walls and watching the people go by.
• ordering cappucino each morning at the same place.

Rome

• seeing the Colosseum for the first time at night
• feeling and seeing the history while walking the Roman Forum.
• having a most wonderful dinner our last night in Europe.
• walking alone one night down to the ruins and hearing a wonderful singer/guitar player.

Such an amazing trip. I'm already dreaming of more and trying to find ways to keep my sense of wonder, focus on the present, and confidence that I felt when I was over there.

Mid-year check in

Here's what people forget to tell you about the after effects of an epic trip that fulfills a life long dream: You have to come back. And when you come back, everything is the same, even though you feel different. You go from spending every day seeing something new and wonderful and historic, meeting amazing new people, and having the highest of highs, and sometimes, some real lows. You feel everything. And if you're already someone who feels things really intensely with emotions right on the surface, these experiences feel even more life changing.  I remember thinking in Paris, how can life be this intensely amazing? And then feeling so scared in Florence. And then I came home feeling changed and everything was the same.

I've gotten a little complacent and set in my ways in Chicago. For several years I was constantly pushing myself outside of my comfort zone in an effort to meet new people and during grad school every single day. The last two years though, I have been at the same job and in the same apartment and I haven't really tried anything new lately. This can make life really simple and easy but can lack some excitement. I never want to settle into complacency. Yoga teaches something called santosha, or contentment. I have felt that many moments here. But in addition to being content, I want to continue to grow. And that means setting new goals and meeting new people, even though I already know some pretty great ones. 

So my goals for the rest of this year moving forward are:

1.) to try new things and meet new people. I will do this through taking salsa lessons for beginners, even though dancing terrifies me a little and by joining another S3 league.

2.) to fulfill more of my New Year's promises to myself. I will do this by donating blood 1-2 times and by taking those salsa lessons.

3.) to get in the best shape of my life again. I will do this by practicing yoga 5-6 times per week and by improving my eating habits.

4.) to plan my next adventure. I will do this by saving and working extra babysitting and cutting some costs such as cable.

5.) to continue to work on improving self-esteem and self-confidence. I will do this by practicing yoga, practicing affirmations and positive self-talk.

What are your goals? We're more than halfway through the year but there's still time to work on becoming your best self.

Burano broke my eyes

I want and need to write a little about what has been going on with my eye. So here's what has happened so far. Rachel and I had just finished breakfast in Venice the day we were leaving for Florence. As we were walking back to our airbnb, all of a sudden I noticed a large black spot at the bottom of my field of vision in my right eye. I immediately knew something wasn't right. My first two thoughts were retinal detachment or migraine. I was praying for a migraine because my eye doctor has told me for years that if I suspect a retinal detachment that I have to go to an ER right away because it can lead to blindness if not treated right away. I cleaned my contact lens but the black spot was still there even without a contact in. I took Tylenol in case it was a migraine. I was of course already emotional and freaking out because nothing like this had every happened to me before.

We got on the train to Florence, which luckily is high speed from Venice to Florence. During the train ride, my anxiety got worse and worse as my vision got worse and worse. I started to notice that more of my field of vision in my right eye was dark. I also had flashing light bubbles in my eye. We had a horrible arrival in Florence with a thunderstorm and my eye problems. Once we finally checked into our airbnb, we asked our host for information about the hospital. When we got to the hospital, thanks to google translate and an incredibly kind nurse, I was able to be seen. They dilated my eyes, I waited an hour, and they checked me out and told me I had a detached retina and needed surgery the next morning. I was relieved to know what the problem was but terrified about surgery even though the doctors told me that the surgeons did these kinds of surgeries all of the time and were wonderful doctors. I had to fast until my surgery was over.

The next morning we went back to the hospital. It was tough to be sure all of the information I was exchanging with the nurses and doctors was accurate and what they needed since mostly only the top doctors spoke English. We managed through each of us knowing a little, google translate, gestures, and conversion tools. I decided on being completely under general anethesia during surgery because my anxiety was so bad I knew I couldn't handle being awake during something like that. It was hard to be in such a vulnerable position preparing for surgery and it was hard to not really know all of what was going on because of the language barrier. I remember that the surgeon was somehow able to make me laugh right before going into the operating room by making a joke about how great my holiday to Europe must be going. I remember being given a drug that relaxed me a lot thank goodness, panicking right before they gave me anethesia, and then being brought back to my room and my eye hurting as they laid me face down. I waited a little and when the pain didn't go away, I asked for some pain medication. Thankfully Rachel had stayed around all day waiting for me so I wasn't alone. I had dinner that night with my roommate, a sweet Italian woman. We had a little conversation in basic Italian and English. I luckily was able to sleep pretty well that night and they discharged me the next morning with prescriptions to fill and instructions to come back the next week. I couldn't open my eye all the way yet but could tell that I wasn't blind, thank God.

We got back to our airbnb and I didn't really have much time to rest because we had to pick up my eye drops, pay my bill at a bank, and then go to the museum with the David statue. I didn't want to keep missing things since we had already missed our wine tour because of my surgery. So...I definitely didn't have time to process what the heck had just happened to me. And off and on the rest of the trip I would freak out that my vision would never be fully back, that I wouldn't be able to play volleyball or do yoga again, and then would feel bad about feeling bad while on my dream vacation. Rachel so awesomely kept me from running into people and cars and falling on my face by being my eyes and giving me her arm to hold onto. I felt lucky to be able to continue with the trip and also frustrated that it had happened at all since it kept me from completely being able to be present in the places I was. I also had to go back for a checkup in Florence the next week where I was once again overwhelmed this time because of the language barrier. After some tears and help from a kind woman and a doctor who spoke English, I was able to get checked in and eventually seen. I also met a nice bilingual man who had also had to have retinal detachment surgery. Our last night in Florence, which was really my only day there, we came upon an amazing opera singer who completely touched me. I bought her music and she sweetly gave me a hug and wished me a good recovery.

Being back, I am still dealing with the fears I had before that this could happen again, that I might not see fully again, and that I won't be able to do the things that I love. I'm checked out again in just over a week and hopefully will get some questions answered. This has been one of the most challenging things that has ever happened to me. Dealing with this, processing how it happened in Europe, and trying to find ways to cope that aren't exercise has been really difficult. The things that have been the bright side of this have been the kind people, Rachel's support, and realizing and having it reinforced that it is so damn important to make your dreams a reality as soon as you can because you never know what could happen to you.

One person can't feel all that!

I still haven't fully processed what happened during my time in Europe and how it changed me and affected me. It's been almost a week since we've been back. In three weeks I saw my dreams fulfilled, my expectations exceeded, and I experienced a medical crisis in a foreign country. I need a whole book to write about the things we saw, felt, and learned (and we're toying with the idea for sure!). I honestly don't know where to even begin. So here are some things I felt and learned:

• excitement and amazement at an unexpected seat upgrade on the flight to London
• being overwhelmed and in disbelief at being in London after just having been in the U.S.
• being at afternoon tea in London and remembering the exact things I had been thinking and feeling when I made the reservation. 
• Staring up at the Eiffel Tower and realizing my dreams were now my reality.
• the thrill of being a part of the Euro Cup, the huge European soccer tournament
• absolute awe, amazement, and some grief while visiting the Notre Dame Cathedral
• wonder (What's a better word than wonder?) and my heart pounding with disbelief about how beautiful the Sainte-Chapelle is.
• joy at spending time getting to know and understand new cultures by meeting new people from all over the world
• contentment just doing something like eating a fresh baguette and drinking wine in our Paris apartment.
• fear at witnessing a riot/protest down below in the streets one night in Paris.
• being mesmerized by the beautiful sights of Venice and astonished at how much it feels like being in a movie set.
• panicking and running to catch trains at the last minute with luggage.
• Fear and panic when realizing something was not right with my eye.
• Confusion and fear while at the hospital, having to get ready for surgery, having surgery done, and staying overnight.
• Empathy for people who daily experience the feeling of being confused and not understood because of language.
• Gratitude for the wonderful people we met who helped us in some way. Kindness means everything.
• Marveling at seeing sights like the Colosseum and Roman ruins and feeling the weight of the people who lived and worked in these places.
• Fun and happiness during moments like having a wonderful dinner with wine.
• Being scared and also relieved that we were scheduled to be in Istanbul two days after a terror attack.
• A feeling of sadness and loss when coming home.
• A sense of knowing that this is just the beginning.
• Le joie de vivre

This dream I've been dreaming

I don't know if people are sick of hearing about my upcoming trip yet, but writing is my favorite outlet. I leave in 24 hours for my three week trip to Europe. I have been dreaming of this for what feels like forever. I just remember this past fall knowing that I had to do it the summer of 2016. I always said I would do it before I was 30. And so I made it happen not knowing 100% that I would have the money. I found a way to make extra money and have somehow made it happen. I do believe in having high expectations and feeling your excitement and living life joyfully.  So I'm having a lot of damn feelings right now. I know things will happen that I may not expect, but that's half the fun. So to sum up, I've been pacing my apartment half the day after packing just waiting for this great adventure. And as soon as I get back I bet I will be planning my next one.

What makes you feel alive?

The U.S. issued another terror alert today to travelers going to Europe this summer. It basically reads, be scared wherever you go. Here's the deal. If I really thought about all the bad things that could happen to me on a daily basis I would never leave my apartment. Some people are like that. It's called having agoraphobia.

I refuse to be that way. I refuse to live in fear of what might happen. I try to live my life in gratitude for all I have been so lucky to have been given and in anticipation for all the great things I still will have a chance to experience.

Why am I still so psyched to go to Europe? Why is it still so so important to me?
Even before I had the travel bug officially, I remember that Paris was the very first place that I ever heard about and saw pictures of and just knew that I had to see it. It seemed so magical. I have to go and see the world. I have to know what life is like outside my little bubble, outside my city, and outside my country. I want to see history and walk on land that has seen so much. I want to experience different cultures and meet new people and see what makes us different and what makes us the same.

If we stop traveling and stop living our lives and sharing love and excitement and hope with others, the terrorists have gotten exactly what they wanted. I won't not visit New York, I won't refuse to run another race one day, I won't stop going to movies or shopping malls or my job in a school. And I won't let five-year-old me down by skipping out on seeing Paris. I'm going to Europe and soon. And I can't wait. Life is too short to not make your dreams a reality. I want to live my life knowing that I did things that made me feel alive. Otherwise, what is the point?

29 and Feeling AMAZING....No rhyme, see what I did there?

A lot of fun things have happened recently. Most notably, I had an amazing birthday with some of my favorite people in the world. My wonderful friend, Ciara, came in for a visit. It was a triple birthday celebration: my birthday, Ciara's, and Rachel 2s. Ciara, Christine, and I got sushi for dinner and then we met up with friends at the Hangge Uppe, a dance bar I had never been to. They played really fun classic rock music that was great for dancing and signing along to. At one point I looked around at the people surrounding me, and every single person was someone who I loved and knew I could count on. That is probably the best feeling a person can have. So thank you, my lovely friends. For being there for me, accepting me for who I am, and for helping to make this my home. Here's to many more memories together!

Good times

I had such a great time visiting Bethany in Lexington. Kentucky is so beautiful! As I was arriving, the rain was softly falling down and the sun was out! It was magical. Then we saw a rainbow that night! There are beautiful fences everywhere because it's the horse capital of the world. I had

so much fun hanging with Bethany. Friends can understand you. But no one can understand you like your closest family members. We had so much fun going hiking, almost falling off a cliff (sort of), touring a distillery to see how bourbon is made, and wine tasting. One of my favorite moments happened by accident. I made Bethany turn around to get a picture of something. When turning around, we happened upon some horses right by a fence. We got out and took pictures. They are so beautiful! Another of my favorite moments was listening to Matt Bednarsky, a singer/songwriter, play music for about 8 of us at Talon Winery as we had a glass of wine. It was so perfectly wonderful and in the moment.

I also had a great time at Liz's roaring 20s themed birthday party last weekend. I got to get all dressed up and see a bunch of my favorite people. I think I would've fit in well in the 20s marching for women's voting rights, drinking at a speakeasy, and dressing in those awesome outfits.

Bucket List

I haven't posted for all of March! Got to get one in before it's over.
I think everyone should have a bucket list. It means that you have dreams and something to strive for and things to achieve and see and do. I have one that is pretty long. I also have another list that just lists out some of my dream vacations. If you don't already have one, start one right now. We have to have to things to hope for, dream for, and then make happen. This world is so amazing. I can't wait to see it all. Here are some of my top vacation destinations:

• Greece
• Europe (London, Paris, Rome, Amsterdam, Barcelona, Swiss Alps, Northern and Southern Italy including Sicily)
• Hawaii
• Portland and Seattle in the summer
• new Harry Potter World
• hiking in the Canadian Rockies
• Sanibel Island
• Florida Keys
• Australia and New Zealand
• South American (hike the Inca trail and do a yoga retreat)
• skiing in Colorado
• The National Parks in Utah
• Wine tasting and Redwoods and Yosemite in California
• Yellowstone, Grand Teton, Glacier National Parks
• Ireland
• Jamaica
• Costa Rica--Solo!
• Alaska
• Vancouver
• Iceland
• Bali (yoga retreat!)
• African safari

I'm sure there are more places than that I want to see. This is just the start of the list. Other things from my bucket list?

• see Times Square at New Years from high up in a hotel overlooking it
• Become a member of a wine club
• Move to Colorado
• go on a safari 
• swim in the Caldera in Greece
• scuba dive the Great Barrier Reef
• Ride a horse at full gallop
• Cook a Thanksgiving turkey
• Grow a secret garden
• Learn the names of the stars
• see the Olympics in person
• go on a hot air balloon ride
• buy a new car
• go rock climbing
• learn to salsa dance
• work at Philmont again
• go on a Caribbean cruise
• go on a sailboat
• see the Great Pyramids
• attend a Taylor Swift concert
• hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon and white water raft out
• Rent a villa in Tuscany for a week
• See the Anne Frank house
• Be debt free
• See a Broadway show
• Visit all 50 U.S. states.
  
  
  
  
  

Life is a gift

Why do I love it here so much?
I love the sound of the train going by as I walk under the tracks, especially on a beautiful day.
I love the vibrancy of the city when it starts to warm up after winter. The smiles on people's faces as they walk by because it's finally not freezing for once.
I love going out to breakfast by myself and knowing that this is where I belong. This place has made me more confident and independent.
I love having my own space where I can express myself and feel at home. Making tea or coffee, lying on my couch, burning my candles, making some popcorn, and watching movies, tv, or netflix.
I love my volleyball teams and realizing that this is something I am good at and that makes me feel alive.
I love getting better at my job and starting to connect with coworkers more as well as students. I have a graduate degree, which is pretty awesome.
I love my beautiful, amazing friends who I can rely on to keep me company and be there for me in tough situations while my family is far away.

I'm still learning all the time and I make mistakes, and that is okay. I'm learning to be okay with that and to let go of regrets and guilt. I am learning to not compare myself with other people because as long as we are happy, each one of us is on the journey that is right for us.

Contentment

Today was such a beautiful day. A gift in the middle of winter. I made sure to walk to get groceries, divvy bike, and go for a run. Kitty and I even sat on my back deck. How have I been getting through winter? Lots of naps, my electric blanket, dinners with friends, and most of all, trip planning for Europe. We have places to stay and plane tickets. We still have things left to do, but the major stuff is nailed down. I know I'm going, but I honestly don't know if I'll believe it until I'm on the plane. I can't wait to experience new cultures and customs and languages. I can't wait to walk through places with so much history and see things I've only read about or seen in movies. This is why I've been babysitting almost every weekend. There is still money to save.

There are so many other things to look forward to in the coming weeks as well. Birthdays, events, plans with friends. I'm trying to continue to work on staying present. In yoga, one of my teachers is going over the 8 limbs of yoga. We are focusing now on the Niyamas, the things we can do to help come to terms with ourselves. The latest one we talked about was contentment, being happy in the moment. I get feelings of this pretty much every week. I am happy with where I am even as I continue to be excited for things to come. Get out and enjoy life!

Things I wish I'd learned in school

Things I've encountered in life that I wish I'd learned in school:

1. What different types of insurance mean and what all the insurance terminology means.
2. What to do if you have a car accident and all the scenarios that could occur.
3. How to search for an apartment in or out of state.
4. How to manage finances and create a budget.
5. How to save for retirement.
6. How to repair my car and change the oil.
7. How to do basic repairs around the house.
8. How to do taxes.
9. How to apply for financial aid for school.
10. How to manage credit cards and the importance of paying them off monthly.

I guess the reason your parents seem so smart is they learned a lot of these things through experience and then handed them down to their kids. The only problem is, half the time I wasn't listening. But thank you Mom and Dad. Hopefully some day I'll know just as much.

Possibilities

Had something annoying/inconvenient happen the other day to me but was able to get past it quickly by reframing, perspective, and realizing that when bad things happen, it shows you how many people you have in your life that you can truly count on. I'm so incredibly lucky and blessed and sometimes my heart almost doesn't know how to handle all that I feel towards my family, my friends at home, and my friends who have become a family to me here in Chicago. The feeling of knowing that people have your back 100% is indescribably wonderful. So thank you all.

My mind has been spinning tonight in a good way. I got my passport in the mail today. My trip is really happening. I've been talking about this for forever, I've been dreaming of visiting Paris since I heard about the Eiffel Tower when I was like 5. It is happening.

The world is so big but so small in relation to the universe. Chicago is so big but so tiny in relation to the world. It's just insane to think about how little we all are in the universe. Yet our lives seem so big. I started thinking about this a week ago when I did yoga up on the 99th floor of the Sears/Willis Tower. It was such a cool experience and the city was so beautiful. I get a similar feeling when I climb mountains and see the view from the top. We are so small. But we have such a gift to have a life and we can do so much good with it and experience amazing things.

I think it's amazing the amount of opportunities we have these days. Especially as women we are so lucky to be young women in the United States in this era. I don't have to follow one path because it's the only way to have security. I don't necessarily have to get married or have kids. I can have a job that I worked so hard for, I can go back to school and get my doctorate, I could some day go teach or work abroad. Tonight I heard about what sounds like the perfect job for me. Wilderness programs where you can take kids out on hikes in beautiful places and do therapy, yoga, and meditation with them. That is me. Helping people. Experiencing the world. Learning new things.

Life is freaking awesome you guys. Go live it.

"Without leaps of imagination or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all is a form of planning."
-Gloria Steinem

Home--gratitude and expectations

Home can be so many things. I think home is a feeling that you get when you are content with where you are. Home can be several different places, and it can be a feeling you get when you hang with certain people or experience something amazing and connecting.

I feel home here in Chicago. Both when I am alone at my apartment and when I am with the truly great friends I have made here. I had to come here to become who I am today. I question sometimes, who would I be if I had never left KC? I think essentially the same person, but without the experiences I have had here and the people I have met, something really important would be missing.

Home is Kansas City, where I grew up, where I have my family, where I will always be tied to. Home is the Royals championship and parade and celebration I always dreamed about actually happening. It is celebrations and traditions and love.

Home is Colorado and the mountains and hiking and seeing God in nature. Home is setting out to accomplish something like climb a mountain and know that you can do something that seems impossible. It is being called somewhere without knowing why and being sad to leave somewhere when you have no connection to it other than knowing that you belong there.

Life is a huge freaking mystery. A still unwritten story. I don't know when I want to make big changes yet. How do I know that things that I dream and wish for will happen one day? Because of everything I have received so far. A home, my friends in college and Chicago, Royals World Championship, a job. I expect to receive good. I have already received so much.