2014 Reflections

It has been a really really long time since I wrote on here. Life has been busy, and I have been sick way too many times. Time for some reflections and resolutions.

Definitely the hardest thing that I've dealt with this year is losing Aunt Annie. I'm still dealing with it. It did teach me to never take time with family for granted, to hug the people I love, and to be grateful for each moment.

I also ran the marathon this year. The only reason I did that was to honor Aunt Annie and raise money for the American Liver Foundation. Thanks to family and friends I surpassed my goal. I ran the marathon faster than my first by 15 minutes. It was pretty much just as tough. But once again, worth every single painful step.

Other things from this year:

Seeing the Royals clinch a spot in the playoffs in Chicago in September and meeting a few Royals fans in Chicago during the game. That was one of the best and most memorable experiences of my life. Words can't describe the feeling of watching Salvador Perez catch that foul pop up to clinch a playoff spot. I tried in my past blog post so check it out if you haven't!

OCKtober: What can I freaking say? October passed in a blue baseball blur. So many emotions. It was the most amazing ride of my life and I treasure every minute. I wish I could've been in KC and gone to a playoff game but now it all seems so much more possible. I know we will make the playoffs again, sooner rather than later, and I vow to make it to a game now that I will have more job experience and less chance of being fired for missing work. I still wish it could've ended differently (and without me sobbing in a bar), but this October was nearly everything I have always been waiting for as a long suffering Royals fan. So many new Royals fans were made. And that's pretty amazing.

I graduated! I got my Ed.S. and started working as a school psychologist. That's a huge deal and I worked really hard for it. I am still learning every single day and will keep learning every day in this job. 

I went to San Diego for spring break in March to visit Jenna. That was a really great trip and so needed after that horrible polar vortex. 

I played more volleyball than you can imagine.

I met some more amazing new people playing flag football (which I was terrible at), and matball (we're the champions!)

I grew closer with some wonderful friends.

So so long 2014. Treasure each and every moment. Don't save special things for tomorrow. Live in the now. Experience new things.

Which brings me to 2015 and some New Year's resolutions.

1. Travel somewhere new or continue to save to travel to somewhere new. (Hawaii or Italy I'm looking at you)

2. Continue to practice Italian using Duolingo

3. Go to as many Royals games as possible. They play 14 games in Chicago this year, including 3 at Wrigley Field.

4. Somehow try to change sleeping habits to get 7.5-8 hours per night. This is so freaking hard for me!

5. Run a new race (Maybe hot chocolate race?!)

I know there are more but that's all I have at the moment. Viva 2014! 

Welcome 2015. New adventures. New possibilities.

Kansas City PROUD

I need to write this down while it's still raw. I didn't know this could hurt so much. I haven't felt this much about my team in forever. When I first became a fan, I lived and died with every pitch and every game. Every loss, I took personally. I felt it to my core. After a few 100 loss seasons, I realized that this would kill me. I kept following them but pushed things aside when it got too bad.

This World Series title would've meant EVERYTHING to us. And I realize yes, it's "just a game," but it's also way more than that. It's bringing a city together, bringing pride back--I'm finally able to wear my Royals gear and know that I don't have to be defensive about it. Kansas City has been recognized as being a real freaking city. I have even more pride in where I come from. To be that freaking close and to have it slip away hurts more than I can describe. It is the most sadness and pain I have ever felt from something that wasn't life or death. And I'm glad I can feel something about this team again. But it also hurts more than you can imagine if you aren't a sport's fan. I had pictured the parade. I had pictured coming home and celebrating with everyone and seeing my team on top.

Tonight I have felt sadness and rage. I went to a different bar than the one I was at after the game and saw Giants fans. The guy who talked to me was "nice" but I couldn't even look at him. When they got up to sing and said "Go Giants!" I screamed lots of expletives and then started crying again. They were singing Journey. And that's another thing. Journey is now ruined for me since Steve Perry is a Giants fan. Which kinda freaking sucks since everyone sings "Don't Stop Believin'" at karaoke. The saving grace of the bar was my friend Christine, who I watched the game with, and a fellow Royals fan she introduced me to who had been crying alone at the bar. We hugged and cried together.

I hope I get to that place soon where I can be happy and proud for this team rather than just upset and devastated. No matter what though, I am PROUD to be  Kansas Citian and I am PROUD to BE ROYAL. The best is yet to come.

Surreal: A Blue October

It's hard to describe what this feels like to people who haven't been diehard Royals fans from the start. Having your team finally be kinda good at this baseball thing after years and years of being absolutely terrible and at best, mediocre, is ridiculously surreal. I've been spent years being self-deprecating about being a Royals fan. People would ask me what team I rooted for, especially after moving here, and I would say the Royals. But, I would usually add, on, "Yeah, I know, we're terrible." It's a defense mechanism! Make fun of yourself before someone else makes fun of you. I started following them in 2000 and used to be so diehard that I would listen to every pre and post game, all of the games, and have someone tape record the games--on a cassette tape---if I couldn't listen for some reason. I used to live and die with every win and loss. After realizing that that might kill me, I eased up a bit, but have always followed these guys.

So being in the WORLD SERIES now, means so much. I want to win it all more than anything. Right now, I'm just trying to enjoy the ride. Wish I was home in KC--hoping for a visit soon. I want to see the blue fountains and buildings lit up blue and maybe feel like this is more real. I still keep pinching myself. Meanwhile, I'll just have to go hit up one of the few Kansas City bars here in Chicago.

Royal fever

I am going to try to describe to you what it was like to watch the Royals clinch a spot in the postseason tonight.Tonight was quite possibly the best night of my life, if only because I've never felt anything like before. I decided to go to the Royals Sox game tonight alone because no one was free to go with me and there was no way I was going to miss the chance to see the Royals clinch a spot in the post season for the first time in my lifetime.

I've been to a game before alone but it was still a bit awkward sitting, so after the fourth inning I stood behind home plate and watched there until the 9th. During the 6th, I started getting a bit emotional. I started thinking back on how long I've been a fan, and all the absolute crap that we've been through over the years. I thought about 2003 when they let us down, and 2000, when we had over 30 blown saves (the first year I became a fan), I thought about Ken Harvey falling over the tarp, Chip Ambres dropping a ball leading to a 19 game losing streak. When the 8th came and Davis gave up an unusual run, my heart was pounding as he got out of trouble.

That was when this guy in a Royals shirt came over to me and high fived me, and when he found out I was alone, invited me to join him and his friend in the "Royals section," the area right behind the Royals dugout where all the Royals fans were sitting. As we stood there all together watching Perez catch the last out, we all lost it together. I'm talking freaking pure joy. Chants of "Let's Go Royals!" hats being thrown saying "Post-season," and then the best fireworks show ever. A guy in front of us told us the Royals were coming out after the fireworks so we stuck around. They came out again, we cheered even more, chants of "Let's Go Royals," "Detroit sucks," "Billy Butler," and "Nori!" No one left until they kicked us out. I ended up meeting another Kansas Citian who had moved here on the way out and we celebrated some more together.

I'm still amped up. I will never forget this night.

Running and Reflections

I'm finally having some really great runs. It got really cold this past week (upper 40s/low 50s) and it has been a total game changer. I also got some new contacts finally! I can see so much better and sweat and rain isn't distracting me like it was when I was wearing my glasses. The last two times out I ran 5 and 12 and I finally got some of my speed back and had no mental blocks at all. Absolutely amazing. The marathon is one month away. I reached my fundraising goal a few weeks ago--thanks to everyone who donated!

In other news, work is starting to get really busy. The hardest part for me is probably going to be running meetings since that's new to me. It's crazy for me to realize that I'm doing these "real adult" things now--I have a career--INSANE. I have an apartment. I'm paying for it with money I'm earning. Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in stress and in being overwhelmed, so it's good to try to take a step back and appreciate how far I've come. Moved here for school not knowing a soul. Now here I sit, with the job I worked for for years knowing I have friends here I can count on. I don't know if I will stay here for good, but I do know that these past three years have been some of the best of my life. And I have faith life will only keep getting better. Good things come from hard work and also sometimes when we least expect them.

What a week

This has not been a great week for me health wise. It started with me losing a contact lens. I HATE wearing my glasses--I can't see as well with them and they get smudged and blurry and are tough to run in and play volleyball in. And I'm less confident in my appearance when wearing them, which doesn't help at work. I then went running on Monday and tripped on the sidewalk and hit the ground HARD. I tore up my knees and hit my shoulder too. That cut my first run of the week short. And I had already missed my long run since I had company in town. And it turns out I will not even attempt a run over 2 hours during the week after a long work day. So after that fiasco,
I to

 (Pic of me rocking the glasses)

ok the next day off from working out because of my knees and because I was feeling really run down and had a sore throat. I squeezed in a quick two yesterday before going to the Shedd Aquarium for Jazzin' at the Shedd. Finally, today I was so wiped after going to work and the eye doctor and having dilated eyes that I skipped my run and laser tag. And I was really looking forward to laser tag!

Anyway.....that has been my week thus far. I'm adjusting to a new job, dealing with a new sleep schedule, and then all of this hit me. So what I need to do now is to restart. Tomorrow I will run the 6 miles to volleyball unless it is pouring rain and Saturday, no matter what it takes, with sweat dripping from every part of my body, I will run my 18. I have to get back on track. 

Thanks to everyone who donated, I reached my fundraising goal for the American Liver Foundation! I have to do my part now. And that means forgiving myself for missing a few runs and coming back better than ever. Here's my page--you can still donate! 

http://go.liverfoundation.org/site/TR/LiverLifeChallenge2014/LiverLifeChallenge?px=1882181&pg=personal&fr_id=3960

Oh the places you'll go

I have been SO bad about writing here. Even though I've been off for about a month now, I was somewhat crazed for most of that. As you know, I've been job hunting and interviewing since the last week of March. That led to several months of highs and lows as I would freak out every five days or so   as I would start to think things like, "Ohmigod, what if I'm the only one who doesn't get a job?" They told us that everyone who wants a job in our field has always gotten a job, which should make you feel better but can also lead to crazy thoughts as I just stated. Anyway, after this happened in cycles multiple times, and after I had many interviews and many McDonald's rewards after interviews, I finally got a job the day before graduation. I will proceed to freak out about all of that responsibility in a few weeks but meanwhile, YES. I did it.

I also graduated Friday. This is an amazingly huge accomplishment that was the work of tons of money, and tons of time and hard work. I moved here in August of 2011 not knowing a soul ready to start a grad program. For my entire first year here, I still didn't know a soul outside of my program and didn't really have any friends here. I had to learn to be on my own and go out on my own, and explore this beautiful city on my own. It was hard sometimes, but knowing I had friends other places was a life saver. Anyway, as you know, I discovered S3 sports leagues and the rest is history. I've met some incredibly amazing people who I can trust and depend on who have made Chicago into a second home.     I know that I have been blessed to have all of the opportunities that I do and want to use this blog to thank everyone who has helped me along the way--family, friends here and in KC and elsewhere, my professors from Rockhurst, and all of the mentors and supervisors who I have had in my program here.
So THANK YOU!!!! Now it's time for it to get real.

Perfect Bliss

Summer has definitely arrived. Today was awesome. I haven't had a free summer in a loooong time so this is pretty much amazing. I'm trying to explore the city more now that I have time and find spots I've never been to before. Today I decided to go see How to Train Your Dragon 2 at the Davis Theater in the Square. It was a really good movie--definitely go see it!

Then I ran down to Montrose Beach. I had to run three miles so I ended up going past the volleyball courts to an area I had never been to before. I had been near this area a hundred times the past summer but never seen it. I found the most gorgeous view of the city and a wildflower and birdwatching nature sanctuary. It was so incredibly peaceful. It made me wonder, what else do I walk by every day without noticing? From now on I'm going to try to keep both eyes open and off the phone screen. I also wandered through a dune area and along a pier. It was so cool. Little things like that make me so happy.

I then joined a volleyball meetup group on the beach. Meetups are events where people who don't know each other just get together and do an activity. This was perfect because I've been wanting to get some more practice in because I'm seriously addicted to volleyball. I played twos with a couple of different partners. I love twos because it pushes me to improve so much. After playing for a few hours, I was about to leave when a band started playing at the restaurant on the beach. I had to stay and listen for a while because they were freaking awesome. They played all these great hits from the 2000s. Several times today I just had the most perfect waves of contentment wash over me. It freaking doesn't get much better than this.  I'm taking deep breaths, looking up, and enjoying the moment. The job will happen. No use stressing. Summer is here.

Sounds of the City

The El rumbling along the tracks as I walk home, Don't Stop Believin' on karaoke and singing along at the top of my lungs, the pounding of my feet on the pavement as I run, the organ at Wrigley Field playing as I bike down Clark Street, symphony tuning in Millennium Park,

calls of "I got it!" playing volleyball at the beach, car horns honking, dance music pulsing at Crocodile, This is home.

Perfect days

I still feel crazy grateful to live here and to have the opportunities to do the things I do. Today was another perfect day. Last Saturday was pretty freaking perfect too. Now that the weather is getting nicer, I'm getting to do one of my absolute favorite things in the world--play volleyball for hours and hours on end. Last Saturday we played pick up on the beach, and it's that time of year that the beach is still not crowded and the sand isn't hot. Perfect bliss.

Today we had a grass tournament. We ended up playing 4s intermediate because not enough teams signed up for 6s. It was a ridiculous amount of fun. We got into the upper bracket of the playoffs and made it into the second round of that. Afterwards we got some delicious burgers and mac 'n cheese at Kuma's Too.

I feel really lucky to have met so many great people here through volleyball. I used to run by people playing on the beach and wish I had people to play with. Not having something and then having it come to you makes you appreciate it all the more.

Chicago, I seriously couldn't love you more. Now give me a job so I know for sure I can stay around for a while!

Goodbyes and Lessons Learned

Had the first of many good-bye sessions of sorts today--my last group session with my Stress and Anxiety Group. We each co-run several groups in a year. I co-run Stress and Anxiety, Women's Issues, and Pathways (life skills). This stress group has been a really good experience. These kids are awesome and really respectful so it's an ideal group to learn how to run an effective group with.

During our last session today we had pizza and talked about things we have learned about/from one another. It was really touching and adorable and full of warm fuzzies. They all said super sweet things about each other and me. One of my girls who I adore and another boy who never really talks really touched me with the things they said. The boy, who almost never speaks, told me that he never really connected with interns last year and is almost glad he is graduating so that he won't be coming back to group without me there. That almost made me lose it. You sometimes don't know how big of a difference you are making.

This is one of the most amazing things about our jobs. As annoying and frustrating and overwhelming it has been at times to be an intern this year, it has also been incredibly rewarding and has taught me an amazing amount. I have been able to truly make a difference in students' lives rather than just be a testing machine. We make a difference in people's lives. That matters. That's what it all comes down to. Kids knowing that someone there cares about what happens to them. Be real. Be authentic. CARE. Honestly, that's 95% of my counseling skills.

Why we do what we do

This has been a really tough week for me at work. It's been mentally and emotionally draining. I had to make two phone calls to DCFS--one being for a kid who has been dealing with trauma his entire life and is still suffering. I saw a ton of kids for all different things. I also had several special ed meetings along with my regular job duties of seeing kids I normally see, running groups, and consulting with teachers and counselors. And today I had a meeting for my absolute favorite kid and had to say good-bye to him, as he'll be going to another school. Even though I know it's best for him because the school is smaller and he'll have more support, it actually has made me pretty upset. Because let me tell you a secret: We get attached. We care. And we care deeply. Even when we've just met a kid. There is so much hurt out there and part of our job is having empathy, and when you are constantly practicing active listening and feeling everything your clients feel, it's natural to take some of that home with you.

I wish this kid the very best. I'm worried for him--He's one I have no idea what the future holds for him. He's so capable of forming caring and trusting relationships with adults even though he has no reason to trust them. I hope this placement is the right one for him and that he gets the help he needs to get on, and stay on, the right path. They say there is always at least one student from your internship you will never forget. That's definitely this one.

This week, crazy as it has been, has made me more confident in myself as an independent practitioner, and has made me even more certain that I made the right choice in choosing this profession. We make a real difference every day. And at the end of the day, I may come home exhausted, but I come home knowing that I made at least one kid feel cared about that day. That's all any of us really want in the end. To know another person on this earth truly cares about what happens to us.

Aunt Annie

Last week I lost someone incredibly important to me, my Aunt Annie. Aunt Annie has been a huge part of my life since the day I was born. She was my godmother and has been with me every step of my life. Growing up, we were always over at her house or she was over at ours because Tony and Ben were our partners in crime. It's actually hard for me to pick out specific memories because there are so many. She always was looking out for me though, saying she had to because I was her goddaughter. She was there for my first communion and Confirmation and graduations. I always will remember her coming over just to pick up her coupons and then staying for hours to talk. Mom and she would slowly move toward the door and then talk there for an hour and then move outside and then talk there for another.

When we got older, we started having girl's nights where we would all get together (mom, Sara, Catherine, me, and Aunt Annie) and have food, drinks, and movies or games. We would choose different themes like Halloween, Christmas cookie baking, game night, Beatles night, Royals games, Harry Potter, and on and on. We had so much fun and I'm so glad we started doing it so she could do girly things since she never had girls.

The last times I had with her were Christmas cookie baking on December 23rd, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day. We all go back in our heads and think, "If I had known those were the last times I had with her, what would I have done differently?" All I can say is that I would have sat next to her and talked to her all day instead of 20 minutes on Christmas. I would have hugged her and told her I loved her even though she was never overly touchy feely. And I wouldn't have left ever.

I swear that I will never forget you. I know I will see you again some day. I know you're happy somewhere out there that I can't see. We miss you. Say hi to grandpa for me.

Tough days

In our job, tough days take different forms. There's the terribly stressful and emotionally draining days when you encounter something like abuse, self-harm, or suicide. There are the tiring days that are full of meetings where you have to make your case and have to be sure to know your stuff. And then there are the days when you just feel terribly ineffective.

Today was the third kind of day. I have two kind of secret "favorite" kids this year. Two special cases, if you will. Number one is just a really really good kid who I'm worried about because he's started to miss classes and fail everything. He's really really likable, though, which is another reason why he's a special case. I think there are learning difficulties that are leading him to want to avoid class. Today he lied and told his teacher he had been down to see me when he was really just skipping class. Right now I'm doing everything I can to get as much information as I can to figure out how to help. I just wonder if he realizes how much people there care about him and his future.

The second is another special one. He stood me up today. First he came down during a class, and I sent him back to class because we had a scheduled meeting during his study hall. He ended up skipping out of school early.

UGH. I feel like I have great relationships with these two, too, which makes it even harder to handle when things don't go well.

Next week's a new week, though. The good thing about our jobs, though, is that we can have some a strong positive impact. It's hard to remember that sometimes we can only do so much. After that, it's up to them. The hardest part is to not take it personally.

Thank God for great friends

The song Box of Stones is one of those songs that takes me back to a moment. It's actually really special, in that it takes me back to more than just one single moment. It takes me back to a feeling--the feeling I had all of last summer. The feeling of being so grateful and so happy to be alive and young and to be living a life that I always dreamed of living, and yet even surpassed what I was dreaming of. Random, I know, but sometimes I just have to get my thoughts down.

Tonight was a Superbowl party at Erin's house. A ton of my favorite people were there and we had a great time. I definitely didn't take it for granted. My first year here I didn't really know anyone. My second year, Carlos invited me to his place to watch it, which I did and had a really good time. But I really only knew him and Rene at that point. And then this year, there were nearly 20 people and I knew almost everyone there! Life has a wonderful way of working out.

This was a really fun weekend. Volleyball awesomeness Friday and then fun out with Justin and Christine Saturday night for a birthday party. Back to the grind tomorrow but more awesomeness is always on the way!

Winter blahs

It's hard not to get down and depressed when the weather is so awful day after day. Trudging through snow and slush and trying not to fall on ice is not my idea of a good time. Luckily, there's usually something fun happening each weekend and spring and summer are coming.

On Saturday I did a wine and painting night at Ian Sherwin's gallery. I went there this summer with some friends. Once again, it was an absolute blast. He gave great suggestions and then let us do our thing. I based my painting off of a photo I took in Taos, New Mexico. Friday, Rene and Rocio and I went to see Madame Butterfly. It was my first opera ever. Totally in Italian but they put the words up above the screen. It was pretty cool but super depressing. Moral of the story-you can't count on men.

I've been sort of down overall lately due to things in my apartment, my workload, and the weather. Trying to stay positive--the weather will get better eventually and it's almost time for baseball spring training!