2020 and the ups and downs

This has been a year of change. And unexpected things. To recap....

I went on a first date with my now fiance on January 5th, 2020. We have made it through quarantining together, job loss and transitions, and Kalen probably having covid as well as bronchitis. All the stupid corny sayings are true. When it's right, it's easy and you just know. I have no doubt in my mind that he is the one for me for forever. Excuse me while I barf at how cute I am.

We had such a great time in Oregon and Washington. Being proposed to on a hike has always been my dream and this was super special. Other favorite things were wine tasting and staying in a motel right on the ocean.

In terms of other changes, I am transitioning to a new school soon. I got hired on at an elementary school in Cherry Creek School District. I am really excited because it is super diverse and the people I have met (most virtually) have seemed really nice. I am making goals around accepting that it is okay to not be perfect and to be flexible in how I work with kids. With covid, I am going to have to be creative whether we are in school or working remotely to try to stay as safe as possible.

This means I am leaving Reunion. I learned so much there and getting the chance to open a school was an amazing opportunity. The teachers there are some of the best I have ever worked with and I will miss them a lot. Special shout out to Mindy Bulmer for being a great teammate the past few years. I am making one of my new mantras for work, "What would Mindy Bulmer do?" because she is so cool, calm, and collected under pressure. Farewell Yetis!

This doesn't even begin to cover all that has happened this year but it's a start. Let's hope we get a vaccine soon!

I cannot believe it has been 9 years since I started this blog after my move to Chicago. Life is such a crazy ride.

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Snowed in

I thought now would be a good time to write since I've been snowed in all day. We got hit with a major snowstorm and got over a foot of snow. I saw the forecast Sunday and changed my flight home to Thursday morning, which was totally the right call since my original flight this morning was cancelled last night.

Since I last wrote in August, I have had some major ups and downs related to work. I started off this year putting a ton of pressure on myself. My caseload has tripled in 3 years and our overall student population has increased by more than 200 students. I have always been a bit of a perfectionist, so feeling like I'm not doing an A+ job in every area of the job really was dragging me down. I have been dealing with burnout. I ended up getting super sick at the end of October with a couple of different illnesses and ended up taking time off for that and because of a snow day. After that, I realized something had to give, and have been working really hard in changing my mindset a bit. I have been trying to wake up each day and think of two things I am grateful for. And during the work day, I am trying to do more of "taking things as they come." This is what mindfulness is about. I'm trying to complain less, and do more of accepting things as they are. I am trying to reframe "being bothered," as "Someone needs me to try and help them." This is not an easy task, because as a school psychologist you are pulled in 8,000 directions.

For example job duties may include: testing, assessment planning and scoring, report and IEP writing, observations, functional behavior assessments and behavior plans, IEP and evaluation and 504 meetings, consultation with teachers, push in support for behaviors and time on task, counseling, crisis response, team meetings, transfer paperwork, answering phone calls and emails....and more.

It's a lot. It's impossible to do it all perfectly. I am trying to learn to be okay with it. I love my coworkers and a lot about my school and want to be able to stick it out. Last Friday we went out as a school for apps and drinks and then got to play laser tag at the school in the dark! It reminded me of how much I love and appreciate my coworkers.

And now it's break time for Thanksgiving. Just have to make one final push before Christmas break.
Here's hoping the mental shift continues to work wonders!

Life changes 2019

Funnily enough, I titled a blog post about one year ago the same thing. Life changes a lot in just a year.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever know where I belong. Is there just one place? The older I get, the less I think so. I keep being mentally drawn back to Australia. But also Paris. But also Chicago. And even Kansas City because of my family. I don't know that there is a next place in the US that I want to live, but there are several places in other countries I think it would be fun to try one day. It's so funny to me how some people can be so happy just staying in one place and some people never want to stop moving on.

There's a lot I love about Colorado, but I have had some hard moments, especially over the last year. I try to remind myself that the hard moments would have come, some just in a different form, if I lived somewhere else. Also, hard times happen in life. Doesn't make it any easier. I've been doing a ton of reflecting through everything which is definitely helping. I feel like my 20s were a lot about me changing and evolving and getting my own world views and friendships unrelated to my childhood. I learned so many new things and met so many different people that between 18-28 I became a new version of myself. But nobody warned me that my 30s would be so hard. I feel like everyone is getting into long term relationships, getting engaged and married, moving into houses, or having kids. And since I'm not falling into that group, I feel kind of like the odd one out. It does help having some other friends in the same situation, but man, society keeps making me feel like a weirdo.

Right now, the most important goals that I have revolve around getting to continue to travel. Travel is what I live for, and what I work so hard to save money for. It feels like there are endless possibilities out there. One thing I don't ever want to happen to me is to have a boring life.

So I'm going to continue to question and reflect and try to listen to what my intuition tells me is next. Who knows? I definitely don't.

Fear and Solo Travel

I haven't written on here in a long time. There have been some things going on in my personal life that were not so happy, and I don't like to write and post things online and be inauthentic. But I would like to share about my recent travels and some of the things that they have taught me.

But first, let's talk a little about fear. Fear is the feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I'm unsure how something is going to turn out. It's essentially either a lack of confidence in myself or in more serious situations, it's all about not knowing what is going to happen next. I feel this fear in my daily life when I'm lacking confidence at work or trying something new, like when I joined the social sports leagues in Chicago, or when I moved to Chicago and Denver not knowing a soul. I feel this fear traveling when I am packing and get to the airport, and again if I'm somewhere where the main language isn't English, and again when I started learning to dine alone or go to bars alone. Recently I felt this feeling in the pit of my stomach when I went to go play drop in volleyball for the first time in nine months.

How do I deal with this fear? I push through and do the thing I am scared of anyway. And each time I can then draw back on the past times I did this and see how it all turned out. Often, it turns out that pushing past the fear led to something great. And if I'm nervous in the meantime, I tell myself that the worst that can happen is that I go do something I'm scared of, stay for a little, and then leave and go back to my comforts.

In March, I traveled to London and Paris for the second time ever and first time alone. In June, I traveled to Australia solo. I really enjoy solo travel. It's fun to travel with a friend because you can sometimes party harder and you have someone to watch your back, but it's so lovely to travel by yourself. You can eat and sleep on your own schedule, spend your money and time entirely how you want, and you open yourself up to having discussions with and meeting people you may not have otherwise met.

In Paris, I had to be brave each time I went to buy coffee or have a meal or ask anyone anything. I had to assume they didn't speak English and I had to use the few French phrases I know to ask them if they spoke English. Many spurts of bravery multiple times each day. Each time I travel solo I push myself further. This last trip to Australia, I decided I wanted to go to a bar where a girl I had met on a tour said there would be a great view of downtown Sydney. I had never been to a bar abroad by myself. I walked in, ordered, saw a table with two girls and extra space, and asked if I could join them. They said yes and we had a lovely conversation. Then they said goodbye and a new group came and I invited them to join me and introduced myself again. I normally would never do this back home. Traveling solo makes me realize that the person I want to be is already inside of me. She is RIGHT THERE, stuck underneath the fear and insecurity and belief that she is not an extrovert.

Just because I know these things, does not mean that it is easy for me to try new things and go out and meet new people. Sometimes I just want to stay home alone and snuggle my cats and not feel that uneasy feeling in my stomach of the unknown. But the more I do these things that scare me, the easier it does get. And solo travel is a huge part of this.

Next destination for me? Who knows? 3 continents down, 4 to go!

Fall Recap!

It has been so long since  I wrote. I have honestly been having too much fun traveling, having visitors, and exploring the awesome area of the city I now live in. In August, I went back to Chicago with April to visit my friends. We had such a great time even with the humidity being ridiculous. Chicago will always be home to me. It's kind of indescribable the way it gets under your skin.

In October, I got to go see my family. I love visiting and seeing how much my little nephew changes with each visit. I love him so freaking much. It makes it harder to be away. But I know one day when he can understand he will admire his crazy Aunt Rachel for always going for her dreams.

I also had two of my best friends as visitors in October, Rene and Kristin. It makes me so happy to see my friends and show them my new city. Oh, and I also was in a guitar concert in October for my guitar class. Felt like a major rockstar. I plan on keeping up the guitar lessons for the long haul.

And finally, April and I hosted a couple of parties the last few months. We had a small get together for Halloween and an awesome Thanksgiving with friends. It was my first Thanksgiving away from my family and even though I always miss them, we had an absolutely wonderful time cooking for friends. The turkey turned out amazing and I loved getting to make the pumpkin pie just like mom taught me.

Work has been pretty insane this year. I honestly have questioned a few times why I chose this career. I am always feeling like nothing I do will every be good enough. I am doing the best I can, and the best doesn't feel good enough. I need more hours in the day. I sometimes feel like I need a less stressful job. Focusing on positives helps. So has taking work home on occasion. I also need to not be so hard on myself. I am doing the best I can. And that has to be enough.

I am so freaking excited for the holidays! Bring on Christmas and all of the Christmas things!!!

Life changes

I got to move downtown last week. I knew that I wanted to live down in this area since a month after I moved to Denver. I had come down for a yoga class and realized how cute it was and how many things there seemed to be to do. I started visualizing it and believing it could happen back in October of last year.  And I made it happen!

I moved into a two bedroom apartment with April in a neighborhood called, Lohi, or the lower highlands. I immediately have felt happier after making this move. I'm realizing that the transition from Chicago to a suburb of Denver was way too drastic of a change.

I'm now able to bike around on bike trails and in the city again and able to walk to yoga classes. I live by amazing restaurants and lots of places with happy hours. I am walking and/or biking distance from some of the coolest areas of the city. And I get to live with a friend, which is good for me right now because I did spend the last year missing Chicago and friends so much. I don't miss it as much now that I'm back in the energy of a city. I can't wait to explore everywhere.

Today was our first day back at work for this school year. The summer always flies by so fast, especially when you have epic experiences. I got to see Alaska, Ireland, hike a ton, and move to my dream neighborhood. Every school year I get anxious and nervous that I'm not up for the job, or that I've forgotten everything I know about how to do it. I fear not being good enough. Hopefully once I get back in the swing of things, that will fade. I hope by relying on the support of some great team members, I can handle some of the things that tend to give me the most challenges. Can't believe it's year five as a school psychologist already. Guess we gotta go ahead and do this thing. I'm already planning my next adventure.

I consider myself something of a wanderer. People here have started to ask me if I see myself settling in Colorado long-term. My answer is that I have no clue whatsoever. I can see myself here in this area and in this job for around five years total. I can't see further than that, and I suppose I could even change my mind about that sooner. Here is what I do know. Life can start to feel stagnant, even when you are having amazing experiences with great friends or your family. Life can start to feel stagnant even when you are living in a place where you have grown and changed and feel like you truly belong, if you live there long enough. I am feeling better about living here as more time goes by, especially knowing that I get to move downtown soon. I have missed the energy and opportunity of living in the heart of a city and connected to everything.

Having said that, I still miss Chicago and honestly think I always will. It is part of my heart and soul. It's hard to describe. It's just a complete sense of belonging and acceptance and having become who I am there. If I were to move back I would miss the mountains in the same way though. Why can't we be everywhere we want to be at once?

I also miss Kansas City and my family as well. I wish I could be there to see my family weekly instead of every four or five months. I want to see my beautiful nephew learn and grow. Kansas City shaped me too.

I miss people every time I visit and have to leave or every time they visit me and have to go back. I try to avoid seeing some social media posts because if I keep living in the past I won't be able to eve be fully present.

I've been thinking about this a lot clearly. But being a wanderer is just part of who I am. It's the hardest thing in the world to move on and leap and try new things, but it is always worth it. And part of this need to wander also means I have crazy, huge wanderlust.

I just got back from an amazing trip to Alaska. I went with a tour group called Alaska Outdoors. They lead adventure tours more off of the beaten path in small groups. There were nine of us on this tour, plus our awesome guide who basically knew everything about everything. We traveled from Anchorage to Whittier to pick up the ferry to Valdez. The ferry ride to Valdez was 6.5 hours long. We were super lucky and got amazing weather the whole ride. It was the longest I have just enjoyed scenery and done nothing else (except a nap here and there) probably ever. View after view after view.

We set up camp just out of Valdez by and amazing waterfall. The next day we did sea kayaking among icebergs! They warned us not to get too close to icebergs as they can flip at any moment as the water warms them and most of an iceberg is invisible so you can't even tell how big they are. We nearly got flipped when we approached an iceberg the guide said looked "safe," lol. It was kinda awesome. After Valdez, we went to Wrangell St.-Elias national park. We stayed in super cute cabins and got to hike along the glacier. Our last stop was the Matanuska Glacier. We got to camp with a glacier view. In the morning we walked along the safe parts of the glacier.

My major takeaways from the trip: It was so so so nice to be mostly unplugged for a week. Everyone was super nice and fun, and we all engaged with each other and the scenery instead of staring at our phones and social media. It was relaxing. Alaska is huge and amazing and I will definitely be going back.